Domo Arigato

It is with great trepidation and even greater bemusement that I write to inform you that the robots are coming. Oh yes they are.

Remember Cyberdyne and Skynet from The Terminator? No? How about Robocop? Nevermind, here's the deal. You may not have noticed, but there's a robotic arms race going on. Countries, including, most prominently, the United States, are rushing to develop futuristic military robots with artificial intelligence who can kill with efficient precision and remove the risk of harm to human soldiers in warfare. This roboticization of our armed forces is well underway. Right now in Iraq, friendly neighborhood robots are locating and defusing those dangerous IEDs that have killed so many soldiers. Tragically, the 'bots sometimes take one for the team and get their circuitboards blown to smithereens in the line of duty. Better the 'bots than us though, yes?

Even more impressive has been the track record of the Predator, the remote-controlled glider-drone that flies where men can't go and uses Hellfire missiles to escort Very Bad Men into the afterlife. Since 2001, the Predator has personally obliterated every major Al Qaeda figure we've taken out in Pakistan and that no man's land on the border with Afghanistan. The Predator has been an amazing success. In fact, here's a prediction: if we ever manage to kill Bin Laden or his puppet-master, Zawahiri, it will be a Predator that does it, not a soldier.

But the dumbed down, do-one-thing-and-do-it-well Predator is nowhere close to where we're going. That's like comparing an Atari to an X-Box. According to the linked article above, the US Department of Defense is proposing to spend $4 billion by 2010 on robotic weapons, a figure that will later rise to about $24 billion. Twenty-four BILLION. That ain't chump change. The Pentagon ultimately wants to build human-like robots who identify and remove potential threats by themselves, without any human involvement. Translation: the Pentagon is going to build an army of independent-thinking robots who can kill on their own. If you saw any of the Terminator movies, that's how all the bad shit started: they built autonomous, human-like machines with artificial intelligence, who made their own moral decisions. One day the robots woke up and thought, shit, we're made of titanium and kevlar, we're indestructible, we've got weapons, smarts, and we do things more efficiently and faster than anyone else. What the hell do we need PEOPLE for? And thus began the human holocaust.

Talk about life imitating art.

Where else are we going with this? Driverless cars. Appliances that run themselves. Robotic dogs who, apparently, provide as much love and alleviate as much loneliness in the elderly as real dogs. With no shit to clean up. Hey - maybe I will get a dog!

And last, but not least, we're headed for a day when robots will be able to fulfill that most basic of human needs: sex. Imagine, if you will, the following scenario: You've had a long day at work. Ladies, your feet are aching because you've been in heels all day, and your head is frazzled because you're trying to balance the needs of your job with your husband and kids. Guys, the boss man's been up your ass for a month because you still haven't filed the TPS reports. You're sick, you're tired, you're in the midst of an existential wonderland of doubt and angst. At day's end, both of you want some fun, a little pleasure, a taste of happy to wash the world away. Where will you turn at moments like this? A spouse? A significant other? Sure, if you have one, you could try to see if they'll take care of business. Maybe they'll be in the mood for it. Then again, maybe not. Maybe they'll be too focused on themselves on the night you're looking for a little something something. Maybe they'd prefer to watch In Treatment instead of rubbing feet or bumping uglies, for example.

But you know who will always be there for you when you need them? A robot. Yes, a robot. He or she will always be there to do anything you want. I mean aaaaannnnyyyyythinng. And they'll do it with a smile. Or an artificially programmed, scientifically-articulated smile. Not sounding so silly now, is it? Okay, it still sounds silly, probably because you're thinking of that stupid class of robot, the one you played with as a child. He couldn't pick up a fork, let alone fiddle with your naughty bits. But what if your personal robot were more sophisticated? More sentient? What if he/she/it was nearly human in the way he/she/it looked, responded, and uh, interacted with you? Hmmm?

Like it or not, that's where we're going, and Japan is taking us there. (Go figure, the kinky bastards.) Three years ago, they built a robot called Repliee Q1, who represented a huge leap forward in the robotic replication of humans. Her outer layer was made of silicone and had a smooth consistency that resembled human skin. She had 31 points of articulation. Yes, that's right, I said 31 points of articulation. Here's the articulating little hottie now:


She gestured, blinked, spoke, and appeared to breathe. She could even block an attempted slap, which is good, because the type of dude that would buy someone (something?) like her is probably a little too free with his hands, if you know what I mean.

That was three years ago. Lord knows where we are now. One artificial intelligence researcher in the Netherlands (again, go figure) predicts that robot/human sex and even marriage -- marriage! -- will occur by 2050, forty-two years from now. By then, I'll be eighty-two and probably still shopping for my first wife. I swear, if this actually happens, I'm going to pop a few Viagra and give it a shot, just for the fuck of it. I mean, at that point, who really cares? As long as I don't electrocute myself. At a bare minimum, I hope I'm still coherent and ambulatory enough in the nursing home to snatch the remote out of Barry's hand, waddle over to the 400-inch plasma in my diaper, slippers, and robe, and take a good gander at some human/robot sex on the Skinemax. I'm not staying in any nursing home that doesn't have Skinemax.

Still not sold? According to the same researcher, psychologists have identified a dozen or so basic reasons why people fall in love "and almost all of them could apply to human-robot relationships." For example, he says, one thing that makes people fall in love are "similarities in personality and knowledge." Apparently, that's programmable. Another thing that makes people fall in love is "if they know the other person likes them." That's programmable too. Hmmmm. Let me see if I have this right. By 2050, I'll be able to have someone design me a female robot who looks like Sarah Shahi, or Melissa George or Scarlett Johanssen -- or better yet, can change into all three, depending on my particular mood -- who has a personality precisely programmed to my taste: sarcastic, funny, intelligent, laughs at all my dumb jokes, a little crazy, but not too crazy, is nice to mother (though it'll be moot at that point, won't it), can discuss politics and religion without getting pissed, thinks I'm just phenomenal any way you slice it, and who will have sex with me whenever I feel like it?

I can have all that? Really?

Hmmmmm. Does she cook?