The Shoe Heard 'Round The World

It was the shoe heard 'round the world,
It was the start of the Revolution....

The way I see it, he's lucky it wasn't a brick. Or worse.

If you haven't heard, and really, who hasn't? yesterday, our dear President Bush, he of the Lame Duck, had two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist who apparently was angry about the invasion and all those dead compatriots of his. How many Iraqis have died in this war? I don't even know the number. What I do know is that whatever the number is, it's not as important to most Americans as the number of dead Americans, which is somewhere above 4,000. But to most Iraqis, the number of dead Iraqis is very important. Important enough for a journalist to throw a shoe (or two) at an American President, who, for what it's worth, was standing next to the Iraqi Prime Minister when the footwear flew.

As you might expect, I have a few thoughts about this unfortunate incident.

My first thought is, how was this guy able to get off two, count 'em, TWO shoes before he was taken out? On Anderson 360 and various other news shows tonight, they've been dissecting the video with a melodramatic scrutiny not seen since the Zapruder film. ("The shoe went back, and to the left. Back. And to the left.") Anderson slow-moed it and some national security hack explained to us why the Secret Service dudes were too busy picking the lint out of their bureaucratic belly-buttons to take a shoe for the Commander-in-Chief. The shoe-throwing journalist wound up on the first one and really let er rip. How did he do it? How was this excitable dissident able to rip off two shoes before anyone realized what he was doing? Did he act alone? Was there a second thrower? Who knew about his plans? Was it a conspiracy? What kind of shoe was it? Was the shoe company in on it? How about Maliki, did he know it was coming? So many unanswered questions. Get Oliver Stone on the line, stat!

Rest assured, dear M-A readers, historians will be talking about this incident for years. Or at least a few more days.

My second thought is Damn, that Bush can move!



Did you see how fast he got out of the way? What is he, in his 60s? He moved like a sixth grader in a dodgeball tournament. Like Neo in the Matrix. Call me crazy, but I thought I saw a little smile on his face afterwards. I think he enjoyed it! I think it's the most fun the old guy has had in years! I'll say this, after the 9/11 megaphone speech he gave downtown, it's the most impressive thing I've seen him do. Dodge shoes. He should take it up full time, I think it's his secret calling.

My third thought is, that's what you get, Bushie, for traveling to one of the most dangerous places on earth, where your ill-conceived and ill-executed policies have contributed to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. Did anyone tell him that a good chunk of the world hates his guts? The Arab world is calling the punk who threw the shoe (a major insult in the Arab world) a hero. That should tell you something. Oh sure, there are some on the Arab street who are embarrassed that a head of state was treated this way. Don't blink, you might miss them. So why does Bush insist on showing hubris the way he does by going back to Iraq to rub it all in their faces? Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, correct? I don't think it's all his fault, everything that's happened, but god-damn he sure doesn't help himself. Just leave, George. Just. Go.

My fourth thought is, Hey! Dirtbag motherfucker! No one gets to throw shoes at OUR President but US! He's a prick, but he's OUR prick! You want to throw shoes at someone, throw them at Maliki or that fuckface Amadenijad or however the hell you spell his name. He could use a nice Gucci loafer to the forehead. No, Gucci's too good for him. Hit him with a Hush Puppy. Or better yet, a steel-toe Timberland boot. Made in New Hampshire, you know.

My fifth thought is, Hey! Dirtbag motherfucker! 7 years ago, why didn't you try chucking your zampe at Saddam? You're so brave, you're making such a big statement, where were you when he was killing people on purpose? Oh that's right, now I remember. You were too busy pissing your pants. You and all those other "journalists." If I remember correctly, there were no journalists back then. (Unless you count Baghdad Bob.) And if you HAD thrown a shoe at Saddam, you never would've made it out alive. No, you would've been hung on a meat-hook in one of those nondescript concrete cells and slowly tortured. Then, when the torture was no longer entertaining, and long past the point of you wishing to be dead, they would have killed you. So enjoy your shoe-throwing freedom of speech, you douche, courtesy of the United States of America and all the blood that was spilled to bring it to you. Same goes for you flag-burning fucktards in Sadr City. Blow me.

Um. Yes, I'm a little conflicted on this. So, while I try and figure myself out, please stay tuned for this commercial message. Brought to you by... Buster Brown shoes. And by... Prada. When you care enough to throw the very best.