Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Axis of Evil: 3 - U.S.: 0

Welcome to the Nuclear Club, Kim Jong Il!

Here, slip on your new, black, silk robe. This signifies your acceptance into this unique group of nuclear nations. Don't be paranoid, Kim. Your robe IS authentic. See, it has the signature atom symbol on the back and the yellow skull and crossbones on the shoulders. It even has your name written in cursive on the front left lapel, see? We wouldn't trick you like that. Oh and we special ordered your robe in an XXXS, triple-extra-small so that it would fit a man of your stature. It was made in um... South Korea, I hope you don't mind.

Take a look to your left. See that stone eagle on the pedestal over there? If you pull its head and yank it down, that bookcase behind you will swivel around and..... There you go Kim! Now, follow me down this circular stone staircase -- watch your step, it's pretty steep. Yes, that's the entrance door there, solid steel. Let me work the door lock combination: "6-6-6," and... we're in!

Take a look around, my friend. Pretty posh, eh? Yeah, that candelabra is from the 14th century -- got it in Venice. Those antique chairs that President Hu and Ehud Olmert are sitting in are from Versailles -- Chirac brought them over himself. Yeah, that's Bushie sitting in the huge leather chair by the fireplace, smoking a doobie. Now, now, let's let bygones be bygones. Give him a friendly wave to make peace. Nicely done, Kim! Honestly, I wasn't sure you had it in you. Bushie can't attack you now that you're nuclear, can he? Ha, ha, ha... we're all friends in here! "Smiles everyone, smiles!"

Go have a seat on that plush red velvet sofa over there and relax. Yes, right between Pervez and Jacques -- there's a small space there with your name on it. Comfortable isn't it? I bet they don't make them like this in North Korea, do they? Oh man, lighten up. I wasn't casting aspersions, relax! Damn, you are sensitive.

Here, here's a cigar to celebrate your new status. Let me light it for you. You're right, it's Cuban. Castro's sick, so we're going to be sending in the EHMs and jackals pretty soon to take care of bidness. What's an EHM? Haven't you read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman"? No? You don't have any books in North Korea? No paper either? Well, here's a complimentary copy. After reading it, I think you might find that your famous paranoia about the United States was a tinkle justified. (Just don't tell Bushie I gave it to you, okay?)

Wait a second. Who is that short dude in the waiter's uniform? That guy with the thick, black beard and the beady little eyes who's serving Bushie a hot toddy. He sure looks familiar. Where have I seen him before? Oh oh, he and Bushie are having a little argument. Something about Lebanon and Syria. Really now, they're killing the mood in here! This is an exclusive club -- it says right on the door that arguing is not allowed. What kind of Neanderthal behavior is this?

Holy shit, that's not a waiter -- that's Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!!! How the fuck did he get in here?! Kim, did you shut the door behind you when we came in? Why the hell are you smirking? This is NOT funny! Oh yeah, try and blame Pervez. I know it was you. Now we're fucked! We might get kicked out of here. Do you know what happens to members who break the rules? You don't want to know. This is not a good way to start things off, Kim. Not good at all! I am very disappointed in you.

Wait, now the members are taking a vote on what do do with Mahmoud. They are all in favor of keeping him in here except Bushie. I can't believe it, they're going to let him stay. Bushie is pee-ossed! He's completely red in the face, and he's looking over at Putin like he wants to take him outside for a spanking. Oh wait, they're smiling now. Whew - that didn't take long. Patting each other on the back, hugs all around. Bygones.

Bushie's on his cell now -- says he's calling his good buddy Koizumi. Looks like we may have another member joining us soon.

Funny how easy it is to make new friends once you join the Nuclear Club. Maybe "Mutually Assured Destruction" wasn't so bad after all. Do you remember M.A.D., Kim? M.A.D. was the doctrine that kept the U.S. and Soviet Union from destroying each other for nearly 30 years, right through the Cold War. Yeah, we had a couple of close calls with the Cuban Missile Crisis, and those periodic computer glitches over the years that nearly resulted in the annihilation of the entire planet, but it all worked out in the end, didn't it? I mean, look at us now, Kim! Look how well everyone is getting along in here!

Just do me a favor though, keep Mahmoud away from Olmert, or we're all fucked.

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