Saturday Mournings

I don't know why this happens on Saturday mornings when I'm alone. I'll be sitting at my computer, surfing, playing Scrabble on Facebook. Inevitably, I'll go to iTunes and try to hunt down a new song that I discovered the week before that I can't live without. This week it's "Sing" by Peter Joback and Kate Pierson (of B-52s fame) - I think it's a cover of an old 60s song. I'll play the song and all these memories and thoughts of people who have died will fill my mind. Anne, Matt, my Uncle Saverio, my grandmother, images of them in my head, like grainy old film. Anne's preoccupied scowl on Melrose Avenue. Riding on the back of her motorcycle. The way she hung upside down on the jungle gym when we were seven while I practically wet my pants. Matt's freckles. Matt's cackle. Matt lying in his coffin with too much lipstick. My uncle's voice on the phone the day before he died. His beard. His smile. The way he rubbed his teeth with the plastic wrapper from his cigarette box when he was done eating. My grandmother's bear hugs. The ten dollars I got from her every birthday. The indecipherable half-English, half-Italian scrawl she wrote in my birthday card. Her pizzelli she made herself and wrapped in tinfoil and fed us whenever we'd come to visit. How we'd have to have my father translate half the things she said because we couldn't understand a word.

I'll think of how they're all gone too early, how their lives ended. How they're not here anymore, how I miss them. How my parents will, one day too soon, not be here anymore. And I'll get profoundly, immeasurably sad.

Life sometimes seems quite pointless, doesn't it? Death makes it so. What do we all live for, what's the purpose of it all when inevitably, there will come a day when it's all over and we're not here anymore? When the writer puts a period at the end of our sentence? We try to find meaning for our lives in our jobs, our children, our families, our pastimes, but in the end, the reality we cobble together for ourselves disappears like a mirage that was never really there.

On Saturday mornings, when I don't have a certain someone and her dog to keep me company, that's how it sometimes feels to me. I don't say this because I'm depressed, so don't get all squirrely on me and advise me on the merits of Prozac. I'm fine. I'm just telling you about a feeling I sometimes get. Instead of letting it pass like a bad fart, I thought I'd examine it for a change. Problem is, the second I try to do that, it's gone. It's like trying to dissect a zen koan. "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Already, even as I type these words, it's floating away, away, away, into the air. The sad feeling never lingers long. It comes upon me like a wave and rolls away just as quickly. I guess I'd compare it to an emotional orgasm. It's short, quick, and cathartic. Once I squeeze a few tears out, I instantly feel better. But why Saturday mornings? And why is it music, a certain kind of heart-tugging song that brings it all out, if ever so briefly? That unconscious, she is a strange bird!

Here's the song and video I was talking about.



The song is beautiful, to me, anyway. A guy, his girl, and their dog, driving through the Arizona or Utah desert, encountering the angry, the frustrated, the dispossessed, and changing their reality in the simplest of ways. It's a choice they make. And it all starts with a song. It's a simple thought: Just Sing. Singing is I am here. Singing is I exist. The connections we make, the people who touch us, whether they are alive or not. There's a purpose to it all, even if we have no idea what it is while we're here. They keep driving, all the way to New York, all the way to Brooklyn. The exhaust coming out of their car is a happy green and blue. You see how loud and angry it is, how mean the people are to each other. A dog gets squirted on. But a song and people change. Even in the Big City. It ends with a Hark the Herald Angels trumpet player, a man on his apartment roof blasting it out while his cat watches. Mission accomplished, our protagonists drive back West, towards the desert.

If only we were capable of that kind of patience and love. Maybe that's why we keep ourselves so busy all the time. Easier to go to work, write that brief, clean the apartment, make lists, check them twice, plan playdates, drive kids to karate, go antiquing, meet that deadline, go shopping, have a glass of wine, zone out to Survivor, or read People magazine to see what hijinks Lindsay Lohan has gotten herself into. A busy mind is an occupied mind, n'est-ce pas? And an occupied mind frets not, at least on the surface.

But is an occupied mind really living, or just passing through? Getting to life's core and purpose means opening up and exploring your guts. It means making yourself a little vulnerable. People don't like to do that. Too much exposure. Too much downside. That's probably why the world is the way it is. No one really knows who they are and why they're here. No one really understands why our priorities are so fucked up in the short time we spend here and we spend so much precious time going through the motions of life. And if we stop the blur for a second, if we bother to think about who we are and what we're doing, the amount of time that's already passed and what we've lost and missed can induce a stark melancholy.

That's why some of us have Saturday Mournings.

39

39, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Alright, I admit I got a little panicked when I saw you coming. But c'mon, you're funny looking. You've got that small three and then this big ass nine next to it, it just looks strange. Incongruous. I'm sorry I called you "crooked." I was just projecting. You're fine; I'm crooked. Now that you're here, I want to make things right. I'm going to accept you with open arms. Show you as much love as I showed 38. I know, I know, I was biased towards 38 because I love the number 8. She's my favorite number and she's always been good to me. Turn her on her side and she's infinity, you know. How many numbers can you say that about? None.

But you're good too. No, I'm not just saying that. We're gonna do some big things this year. We're gonna extend ourselves, venture into unknown territory, take some chances. We're going to get a car. We really need to get out of the city more. New York has too big a hold on us. It's a good relationship most of the time, but you know, once in awhile we need to break the chains that bind us. We need to take drives, go to Lake George, maybe the Finger Lakes region. Shit, maybe we'll just keep going until we get to Montreal. What do you say, 39? I want to see my parents more often, and my nephew D. and nieces O. and G. Love them all. I need a car and a car I shall have. And you're going to help me get one. Whaddaya say?

39, we're going to write more too. Time to get crackin' McCracken. And I don't just mean on Bloggy. No, we need to write stories. If Bloggy has to be a little lonely once in awhile, he's just going to have to suck it up. 37 and 38 spoiled his ass. We're going to get serious and write some stories.

Oh and 39, you're going to help me become less cynical about relationships. 38 was asleep at the wheel in that area. Salty dog. Can't blame him too much though, since he was there for the breakup with H. He couldn't deal after that. He seemed tired. Jaded. But 39, we're gonna bring it back, aren't we? The motivation, the curiosity, the desire. Less sulk, more rock, that's what I'm talking about! Sure, the cute girl we met tonight at Lucky Jack's was engaged. That's okay, that's gonna happen sometimes. How were we to know that the reason she didn't have a ring on was because she was having it adjusted? That's just the breaks, man. It was our first couple of hours together. We'll get better. With you by my side 39, we'll overcome any obstacle.

Already I'm finding that you're everywhere, 39. At the gym tonight, I intentionally put my bag in locker #39. And when I got home, there were not one, but TWO birthday cards from dear old Sister J. and the childrens waiting for me. Both of them had postage stamps that said "Happy Birthday" with 39¢. Got teary-eyed when I saw the kids' green crayoned "I Love You." But no mushy stuff, eh? The point is, you were there too. Right on the envelope. We're serious partners now, you and I, 39. No more backtalk.

Honestly, we don't have much of a choice, we're stuck with each other. We gotta have each other's back because next year, NEXT year, there'll be a bully shufflin' on down Baker Street. He walks tall, carries a big stick, and doesn't fuck around.

He's 40.