Sunday, April 01, 2007

Do You Come Here Often?

Hi there. Is this seat taken? Thank you. Dana, right? Yeah, I noticed you on my television the other day. You were standing on the podium in the White House Press Room, answering questions from the press corps. They are totally annoying, aren't they? Seeing you was a pleasant surprise! I had been expecting Tony Snow, or some other Presidential representative from Fox News. (How's Tony doing, btw? I hope he gets the treatment he needs and recovers soon. Even though I couldn't stand his smarmy attitude on Fox, he was a tolerable Press Secretary. He had backbone, not like that wishy-washy little bitch Scott McClellan.)

Anyway, when I saw you for the first time, I thought you were positively radiant! What color are your eyes? Gray, yes they look gray. Really stunning. They're the color of gunmetal, almost. "Your eyes possess the powerful vibrance of a firearm, he said." How romantic; I'm such an idiot. Anyway, the other day I was watching you -- on t.v. of course -- I haven't been stalking you, don't worry. I saw your gunmetal eyes dart from reporter to reporter as you responded to inane questions, like "Why are we still in Iraq?" and "Is Guastavino, er, I mean, Attorney General Gonzalez going to resign?" and "What is the President going to do about the mess at Walter Reed Hospital?"

Fools, all of them! How dare they ask such stupid questions in your presence? No, I don't normally talk like that. I've just been on this medieval kick lately. I think my head's in a time warp, it happens once every 15 years. Don't mind me.

It was amazing to me how you were able to parry the reporters' inquisitive barbs, answering but not answering them at the same time. I was SO impressed, Dana. Really, you are a master already, and you have not been at this very long, have you? Watching you control those animals like a lion tamer really turned me on. Your short, Dorothy Hamill-esque blonde hair waving to and fro as you turned and pointed to a new questioner, not really caring whether it was that piss ant troublemaker David Gregory, the ass-kissing John King, or the Big Lady with the Bad Questions, Helen Thomas. You had such a "je ne sais quoi" attitude about it, the whole thing was totally hot. Are you French by any chance? Wait, Perino's Italian, isn't it? Cool.

Then when you fixated on one person, your hair would stop in midair and cascade down, framing your beautiful face and those lovely cheekbones. You are a genetic marvel, seriously, Dana. Do you mind if I touch your hair? Oh, it's positively luxurious, very thick. Thank you for letting me touch it.

I've always had a thing for women with short hair. I don't know where it started, but I think it began with my prepubescent crushes on Pat Benatar and Toni Tennille in the 70s. Big crushes. Pat singing "Hell Is For Children" onstage, she was so pissed off and kick ass. And then, when I was in the mood for something softer, there was Toni with the Captain, he of the ubiquitous blinding white flared dress slacks and dark blue blazer, both of which complemented his Captain's hat and sunglasses. (Always with the sunglasses. For years, I wondered if the man was blind.) Toni was so sexy. Her thin, shapely legs darting out from a tasteful sundress as she sang a love ballad or catchy pop tune. So tan, with that bob haircut and beestung lips that opened to reveal impossibly white, white teeth. "You'd Better Shop Around" was one of my favorites. I've been shopping around for years, and "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," ha, ha. How many men do you know who could put Captain & Tennille and U2 together? I'm just that good, Dana, just that good.

No, I like long hair too. So if you grow it out, you'll still be attractive to me, don't worry. Ooh, that was presumptuous of me, wasn't it? Three Grey Goose and sodas, and I think we're getting married, ha ha. Still, I couldn't believe it when you walked in here for a drink. It was total kismet. Do you believe in kismet, Dana? I do! I mean, what are the odds? How often do you make it to Williamsburg? Not that often, eh? I'm not surprised, the neighborhood's a little rough around the edges. Not really a place for a classy lady like you, is it?

So let's talk more about you. Where ya from? Where'd ya go to school? Typical New York City-first-meeting-interview-b.s., I know. University of Southern Colorado? What was your major (cough). Communications with a minor in political science, I see. Nice. I was a poli sci major myself, yeah. Where am I on the political spectrum? Oh I'm pretty conservative. Yeah, down the line Republican. Pro-life, pro-death penalty. No contradiction to me, no way. Pro guns, I mean is the Second Amendment dead or is it alive? Five words: From My Cold Dead Hands. I'm anti-taxes too. The government already has the shakedown going on us, the upper middle class, hasn't it? I feel like I'm working my ass off for nothing. They take my money, and where does it go? Who the hell knows? Have you seen my tax dollars, because I haven't! They're probably spending it all on abortion clinics and defense lawyers for those Guantanamo terrorists, the bastards!

What else, oh, I'm pro family values, definitely. I think kids should be raised in one home by a man and a woman. Not by a divorced couple. Not by two men, or two women, or by a man and two women, or a woman and two men. Have I covered all the nuances? Marriage also should be between a man and a woman. I'm soooooooo anti-gay. No, not just anti gay rights. Anti gay. There literally should be no gays in the United States at all. Either they learn to be straight, or out they go, to Holland or Germany, where that shit is tolerated. Yes, it's an extreme view, I know, but that's just how I feel about it. And isn't that what God said in Leviticus? That "Man shalt not lay with another man" and "Thou shalt not allow gay people to propagate and obtaineth rights in thy future country pursuant to thy ratified constitution?" I haven't read the B-I-B-L-E in awhile, but Pat Robertson says it's in there. Yes, I have a few gay friends. I live in New York City, after all. No, I haven't told them about my views. I'm still in the closet about it, so to speak. Ha, ha! Ssssh.

As for foreign policy, I'm a big fan of the United States playing a robust role in the world. I just love that word, "robust." It sounds like it means, you know? RO-BUST. Wonderful word, but I digress. I'm a big fan of Guantanamo too. It's working, isn't it? No attacks on U.S. soil in 6 years. I mean who wants those Islamofascists in American jails where they can organize and cause more problems?

Needless to say, I voted for Bush twice, his father twice, and Reagan once. Why only once for Reagan? I was too young to vote before then. Sheesh, how old do I look, Dana??? Ha ha ha! Yes, the gray is coming in, it sure is! Oh, you're fun!

Yes, I was totally on board with the Iraq War and all that. I mean we all thought the guy had weapons of mass destruction. Even the French and the Russians thought so, am I right? Hussein had to go. The guy gassed his own people and did other bad things. Sure, some mistakes have been made. Okay, maybe a lot of mistakes. Abu Ghraib was a bit of a bump in the road. It'll blow over though. We'll throw some cash at it when the war's over. Bygones. Money solves a lot of problems, dudn't it? Seriously, does anyone remember My Lai? It's war, for crying out loud! Like Rummy, I mean, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said, "You go to war with the army you've got, not the army you would like to have." When he said that, I thought to myself, you GO Rumsfeld! He's EXACTLY the guy we need in our history right now. War is not predictable and you can't foresee everything. Rumsfeld understood that. But they ran him out of town on a rail like a villain in a Clint Eastwood western, didn't they? Fucking liberals. Ooops, pardon my French there, Dana. Must be the Grey Goose talking. I normally don't swear like that. I'm a good boy.

You know, I even keep a blog online where I talk about some of these things, raise consciousness and all that. It's an information war out there, isn't it Dana? But you know that already, don't you. Making people aware of the issues is very important. Otherwise, this country's going to keep going down the shitter and those liberal commie a-holes are going to completely take over. Then where will we be? They've already got control of both coasts, the media, and Hollywood, plus or minus Charlton Heston. (Loved him in Planet of the Apes!) What's next? No, we've got to keep fighting them. Fighting for control of people's minds, on the radio, on television, and online.

What's my blog address? Uh... Hmmm... why am I not remembering it right now? How embarrassing, heh heh. Let's see, why don't I give it to you later, I'm sure it will come to me after a few more drinks. You look so sexy when you raise a dubious eyebrow, has anyone ever told you that, Dana?

Okay, okay. Here it is: I hope you don't find it boring. Where did I get the name? Well, I like to write about things that I think about, things that are in my head at any given point in time. And my writing tends to be more of a free write these days. Not too much editing. I have other things I like to do, and I can't spend an entire day editing every thought. Let the readers sort it out. My mind tends to wander a bit, hence the name. Yeah, it's not that original, I agree. But it's not easy to come up with a blog name when you have a world of options in front of you, literally every combination of words in the English dictionary. That's why I never got a tattoo. I could never decide on one symbol that I wanted to look at for the rest of my life. Too many options.

Just ask my father. One summer in the mid-1960s he gets hammered while he's on leave with his buddies in France and gets a tattoo of a naked woman on his upper arm. Wakes up the next day, sees what his drunkeness hath wrought, and promptly goes out and gets a tattoo of a big, black American eagle to cover up the nude lady. Have you ever seen a black eagle, Dana? I haven't. Now he looks like he was once a member of Hell's Angels, minus the long hair and extra body weight. One year we're walking around southern Italy on vacation and a kid comes up to my father -- dad's wearing short sleeves -- and the kid asks him if he had spent time in prison. My dad started laughing. I couldn't understand, but he explained that it was the tattoo that made the kid ask. Not for me, Dana. Not. For. Me.

Anywho, what brings you to Williamsburg? Just checking out the scene, okay. Yes, I've noticed a lot more European and Asian tourists here lately. Some travelzine must have increased the size of their Brooklyn section. Listen, why don't we get out of here and grab a bite at Dressler, on Broadway. Unless you're a steak woman, then we could hit Peter Luger. Do you like meat, Dana? Two raised eyebrows now... Okay, you don't eat meat. Dressler it is. Then maybe afterwards -- I don't live too far from here -- we could go back to my place, put on some Cure or Morcheeba and see where the night leads, eh? Whadayasay?

Or, and maybe this is just the vodka talking, I don't know, but I really feel a connection here, don't you, Dana? We're all looking for that special connection, aren't we? I mean, we have so much in common, you're a Republican, I'm a uh.. Republican (wince); you have beautiful gray, predator eyes, I love beautiful gray, predator eyes; you have sexy short blonde hair, I love sexy short blonde hair; you work out, I love women who work out; you're a Taurus, I'm a Virgo; you're in Williamsburg, I'm in Williamsburg.....

Why don't we run away together, Dana! Let's throw off the shackles of this hell-hole world, with its wars, poverty, billable hours, political infighting, human trafficking, road rage, graffiti, bulimia, drug abuse, celebrity obsession, and dysfunctional relationships, and just run away! We'll get in a car and drive west, like the pioneers did. When we get to California, we'll get plane tickets and fly to an island somewhere, maybe Hawaii, or Tahiti, we'll live off the land, until I can open a restaurant or a bar with my 401(k) savings and--

What? You're married? Oh. I didn't see the ring. For some reason, I never look at a woman's hands soon enough. Old habits, I guess. Wow. Are you happily married? You are. Hmmmm, okay. Well listen, it was nice chatting with you. Enjoy Williamsburg, and seriously, keep fighting the good fight. We really need you out there on the front lines. And please, give my best to Tony.



jarret said...

TD -

You need help. LOL!

T. said...

Agreed. Would you believe I received a disgruntled email from someone who claimed I was anti-gay? It took me three responses to explain otherwise. Hasn't anyone outside of New York heard of sarcasm? Dang.