The Beast That Lies Within

"Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number. Its number is six threescore six."

-- Book of Revelation, 13:16-18.

Ah yes, it's that time of the Millenium again, June 6, 2006, when The Beast rears his fat, ugly, head. If The Beast sees its shadow today, we won't have any peace on earth until June 6, 3006. Oops, too late.

At least there have been no untoward attempts by Apocalypto cults to make this day mean something. But it's early, so perhaps I should not count my Beast-eggs before they hatch.

There are many interesting theories as to who, or what, The Beast is supposed to be, and what the number 666 supposedly represents. Some of them are located here. For more information, you can also Google "The Beast," like most of the world is doing today. Some people say that 666 is the mark of the Antichrist, like in those great "Omen" movies from the 70s. (Speaking of which, why the hell would anyone want to remake that movie? It's a classic.) Others say that 666 is an historical reference to the Roman Emperor Nero. I even found one strain -- and I do mean strain -- of thought that says that 666 represents the Papacy. Please. The Catholic Church is having trouble attracting followers of Christianity, and we're supposed to believe that the Pope (or a future Pope) is the Antichrist? Actually, now that I think about it.....

It's also currently in vogue to suggest that maybe The Beast is technology, the Internet, or the World Wide Web. Oooh... let's see if I can turn "WWW" into 666. Nope. Maybe if the Web were called the "Global Gastrointestinal Gabathon" it would make sense, because "GGG" looks a lot more like 666. But it's not.

Since we are going the way of implanting computer chips into our bodies for commercial and banking purposes, the theory that 666 has to do with microchip implantation in humans holds some logic. If that's the case, I think we have a little more time left before we need to worry about The Beast taking over the world. All I see implanted in people today are Norplant, pacemakers, and other health-related devices. Call me when I can buy myself a Snapple by sweeping my forehead across a scanning machine. Now THAT will be progress!

What really cracks me up about this whole "Beast" and 666 phenomenon though, is how seriously people take it, to the point where Intel had to rename a 666MHz chip to 667MHz and women everywhere are having C-sections and using every means necessary to make sure that their babies are not born on this day. I just don't understand it. I think it would be pretty damn cool to have my birthday on 6/6/06. Apart from the pseudo-occult aspect, the symmetry really appeals to my OCD. It's also a really easy day to remember.

Now, I mean no disrespect to The Beast or The Antichrist here, but who are we kidding? Isn't the real Beast that runs amok in the world our own fucking egos? Our little, individual, self-important egos that make us cut people off in traffic, want a bigger house than the next guy, shoot people over parking spaces, denigrate foreigners who don't look like us, talk behind people's backs, cheat on spouses, never take the blame for anything, and always, always, put our Selves first? Screw you - what about MY rights?

And if you put a bunch of needy, hungry egos together, what do you get? Wars. Terrorism. Genocide. Mass suicide. Cult of Personality. The Holocaust. All of these represent the sickness of "Me First," just on a global scale.

Even if a day -- or let's be real -- five minutes passes, where we are not completely immersed in our own selfish universe, how long does altruism last? Long enough to give the homeless beggar on the subway a lousy dollar? To write a check to a charity? Then it's back to me, me, me. "What can you do for me?" "How can I get more?" "Why does she have more than I do?" Ugh. Even this fucking blog is an ego exercise, for crying out loud. Every blog is.

There is no escaping the Ego. You can only hope to contain him.

So, on this, World Beast Day, perhaps we should start thinking a little less about Satan, his boy Elroy -- I mean Damien, 666, and the Apocalypse, and instead, start trying to control The Beast that lives within each one of us: our own, personal, needy, whining, bitchy little ego.

I mean, if we don't start working together, how else are we going to defeat The Antichrist when he finally shows up on June 6, 6666?