Working Can Kill You

This just in: a lack of down time on the weekends just might lead to your premature demise. A new Finnish study shows that people who can't seem to relax and recharge their batteries on the weekends are more likely to die of cardiovascular disease. Now, I know what you're thinking - that I'm just trying to find an excuse to get more weekends off. Well, that's true, but there really is a study and they really did find that people raise their heart attack risk if they don't get their weekend play time.

Me to law firm "superiors" the next time I'm asked to work on a Saturday:

"Uh.... you know, um.. I really can't."

"What do you mean you can't?"

"Well, you see, it's bad for my heart."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Jim/Bob/Mike, let me be more specific, if I may. If I don't get my weekends off, my arteries will clog. You see, work-related stress builds up during the course of a week. Especially in this profession - I don't need to tell you that, do I Jim/Bob/Mike? The assholes we deal with on a daily basis? I mean, the legal profession really is full of pricks, isn't it? Anyway, work-related stress collects in your bloodstream during the course of a week. In fact, the research shows that stress literally converts your blood platelets into a thick, yellowy pus. Over time, this stress-pus bonds to your arterial walls, to the point where a blockage can occur. You see what I'm saying, Jim/Bob/Mike? You heard me, I said 'blockage.' After a lifetime of working weekends, I'm totally fucked. I might as well just make an appointment now for a stent, or maybe one of those balloon-things they stick in your artery. What's that called - oh yeah, an angioplasty. I may as well make an appointment for an angioplasty now. See what I'm saying?"

"So you're going to be in on Saturday, right?"

"Jim/Bob/Mike, didn't you hear a word of what I just said? THERE ARE LIVES AT STAKE HERE!"

"So you're going to be in on Saturday, right?"

"Jim/Bob/Mike, I think my health is a little more important than drafting another brief for [INSERT CLIENT NAME HERE], don't you? I mean, let's be real here."

"So you're going to be in on Saturday, right?"

Long pause. Sigh. "You're not going to need me on Sunday too, are you?"

"Probably."

I can feel my blood pressure rising already.