Still recuperating from the length of those last three entries, so here's a little Sunday night Q&A to get your week started right:
Q: Is Osama Bin Laden really dead?
A: No. He's still watching the movie "Death of A President" and writing a critic's review for Entertainment Weekly. We should be hearing from him very soon. Here's a little sneak preview. I heard from a credible source that Osama is going to pan D.O.A.P. because he didn't get a cameo in the assassination scene and because the movie "just wasn't real enough," i.e., the real President Bush is still alive.
Q: Is Bill Clinton pissed?
A: Oh, he's pissed. Did you see his interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday? Apparently, Billy Boy thought he was going to be discussing his global initiative on climate change, and Wallace sandbagged him by asking why he didn't do more to capture or kill Osama Bin Laden (who apparently is now reviewing movies for Entertainment Weekly).
C'mon Bubba. Yes, Chris Wallace is a total weasel who has the kind of face you want to punch for no reason, but what the hell did you expect? You went on Fox News Sunday for fuck's sake! Freddy "Beddy" Barnes is on that show, and he's a right-wing hack from the 1990s. You didn't think that they were going to try and have a little fun with you? Seriously, with all that beauty queen tail you've been getting since you left office, you shouldn't be pissed about anything. Lighten the fuck up.
Q: When the hell is HBO coming out with new installments of something for me to watch on Sunday nights? I've been in a television freefall since "Deadwood" ended a few weeks ago, and my Sunday evenings are starting to suck.
A: I think the last season of the Sopranos starts in March 2009, so it's more lame "Cold Case" and "Desperate Housewives" for the foreseeable future. On second thought, maybe I'll hook up that Playstation 2 again.
Q: Has Kyle McLaughlin ever met a t.v. script that he didn't like, and will this man ever fucking age?
A: No and no. I'll have what he's having.
Q: Are military coups like the one that happened in Thailand last week sometimes okay?
A: Apparently yes, yes they are.
Q: Are the New England Patriots going to come back from their current 10-0 deficit against the Denver Broncos and keep me in the running in my work football pool?
A: No. They are going to lose by a wide margin, thus reaffirming my wholesale incompetence at selecting winning football teams, week after sorry week.
[POSTSCRIPT: THE PATS LOST 17-7. Sometimes I hate being right.]
Q: Does the waiter/waitress service at the Williamsburg coffeehouse I have been frequenting as of late suck ass?
A: Yes. I swear they are all high.
Q: Will that stop me from going there?
A: No, cuz I like the vibe.
Q: Are fashion models getting too thin?
A: Does the Pope shit in the woods? Isn't that the point? Anorexic models exist precisely to make the average woman feel inferior about her looks and to give teenage girls body image issues that they will struggle with for the rest of their lives. Next question.
Q: Do the Republicans have a chance in November?
A: Of course they do -- American voters are just that stupid and have proven it in the last three elections.
Q: Is Saddam going to win his trial?
A: Ha ha ha -- that one was just a joke.
Q: Does anyone give two shits that Europe won the Ryder Cup?
A: No. And here's a p.s., I fucking hate golf.
Q: What was the number one movie at the box office this weekend?
A: "Jackass Number Two." God Bless America.
BONUS BLOGGER v. BLOGGER PREGUNTA: What happens when a 5'1", twentysomething, junior bantamweight, Asian female blogger repeatedly hipchecks a 5'7", 165 lb., thirtysomething, Italian male blogger who is sitting at a picnic table at the Bohemian Beer Hall & Garden in Astoria, Queens?
A: Said male blogger hits the gravel ass first in front of approximately 200 people.
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2 comments:
CORRECTION: that's 5'0" and 125 lbs of rock solid muscle baby. OK, I'm kidding about the muscle part.
Sorry, were you sitting to the right of me? I was just trying to make more room on the bench -- didn't realize you were about to fall off. Must be all that brain ramage from being an Aries.
Funny, I would have thought that by the third hip-shove, when I was teetering on the edge of the bench (and humiliation), you might have been clued in.... But perhaps I'm mistaken.
Either way, I will be sure to wear some extra seat padding the next time. And maybe even a helmet, just in case there is an "accidental" Arien head-butt in my future.
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