The Grinch Was Right

It's December 17th and another Christmas is nearly upon us. Raise your hand if you agree with me that Christmas has become a total pain in the ass. Hmmm, why am I the only one with my hand up?

The more the years pass, the more I feel that for all his surliness, the Grinch actually had a point. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I am developing a serious aversion to Christmas as it is practiced in this country, beginning the day after Thanksgiving -- now pseudo-religiously called "Black Friday" -- and continuing until December 26th, or Boxing Day, for my Canadian friends. If you're being honest with yourself, I think you have to admit that Christmas has completely lost its meaning. When I think of Christmas now, I don't think of the birth of Jesus or spending time with family or peace on earth, good will towards men. No, around December 1st, December 15th, or December 23rd what pops into my head is: "Oh shit, Christmas is coming and I have all this shopping to do that I haven't even started!" Then, like the annual return of Canadian geese in springtime, my Christmas anxiety comes back to roost in my cerebellum until my infernal shopping is finally done. Simply put, Christmas is an annual ball and chain that I can't wait to put down.

Now, before you start calling me a crotchety old Grinch (or worse), let me clarify a few things. It's not Christmas itself that I can't stand. I'm all for giving Baby Jesus His props on His birf-day. (Let's ignore for now that his birthday actually happened around January 6th, not December 25th.) In fact, I still have fond childhood memories of playing with the little, plastic nativity scene figures in front of the Christmas tree with Sister J. Joseph talking to the Three Wise Men about the gifts they brought for Baby Jesus. Mary discussing future family plans with the Archangel Gabriel on top of the thatched roof of the cardboard stable. The plastic sheep conversing in broken English with the extremely pink, extremely Caucasian plastic baby Jesus, who sat reclining in his gold colored "hay" chair. But don't be confused; these were not religious acts. We were simply whetting our appetites while waiting to open our new toys, which sat a few, tantalizing inches away, hidden in green, white, red, and gold wrapping under the tree.

It's not the concept of giving that puts a bug up my ass this time of year, either. I really enjoy giving, particularly to my nephew and nieces, for whom Christmas still provides an innocent joy. It is totally hilarious watching them open presents. They're like baby cubs going after a T-bone. I'm actually pretty jovial on Christmas morning, after a few cups of coffee, natch. But all the good stuff only happens at the tail end of a two-month Christmas marathon that is about as much fun as getting an annual colonoscopy. (Hey, that reminds me....)

So what's my damage, then? I think it has something to do with the relentless, ubiquitous, over-the-top media hype, urging us to spend, spend, spend, 'til it hurts, hurts, hurts. I particularly detest the non-stop reports of people camping outside department stores the night before a special 6 a.m. Black Friday opening, to buy as much useless shit as they can squeeze into their plastic shopping carts. Followed by asshole reporters who apparently have nothing better to do than to follow these lunatics into the stores every year and conduct the most inane interviews I have ever seen.

"Soledad, we're here live at Bestbuy in [INSERT MIDWESTERN TOWN HERE]! It's 6:30 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving and this place is hopping! It's packed with enterprising shoppers who are getting a head start on their holiday shopping by taking advantage of the amazing SALES that are happening today, on what is now called BLACK FRIDAY -- the busiest shopping day of the year! Let's see if we can talk to a few of these shoppers now.

[Fuckhead Reporter wades through ten people in the checkout line, stopping at the most moronic looking female shopper, who stands clad entirely in a garish red and green, with her equally stupid-looking husband, their cart jammed to the gills with duplicative boxes of cutting edge electronics of every size and purpose.]

In an excited and melodramatic voice, Fuckhead Reporter says "Ma'am, hello! What are you doing here so early, and what do you have there in your cart?"

"Hello there! Well, last night, as my hubby and I were licking the last bits of Thanksgiving stuffing and gravy off of our dinner plates like two jackals, hubby said to me 'Honeybun, we really don't have much of a life, and we haven't had sex in two years. I think we could use a little excitement. Why don't we pack some Thanksgiving leftovers, take our beach folding chairs with the beer holders on the sleeves, pick up a 12-pack of Stroh's Light at the Cumberland Farms, drive down to the stripmall on Route 48, and camp out all night in front of Bestbuy? Wouldn't that be fantabulous? We'll beat the Christmas rush for a change by shopping on the busiest shopping day of the year!' So he planted the seed so to speak, and that's exactly what we did, Bob -- here we are!"

"Heh heh, well now you two really are on top of things! I notice your shopping cart is pretty packed with goodies. What have you got there?"

"Oh, well let's see, we've got 3 Panasonic DVD players, 5 Dell laptops, 2 iPods, 3 iPod Nanos, 4 iPod Shuffles, 2 Pioneer stereo systems, 4 Sony plasma televisions, 2 Nikon D200 digital cameras, 2 Canon EOS40 digital cameras, 2 Sony Cybershot digital cameras, 4 Canon digital printers, 3 Palm Treo 680s, 3 Motorola Razrs, and what's that at the bottom of the pile, Jim? Oh yeah, a Kenmore microwave oven. We really took advantage of the incredible sale prices we saw today, Bob."

"My goodness, that's a lot of stuff -- you're really taking advantage of the SALES TODAY, aren't you?! Who are you going to give all of these gifts to?"

"Give? Oh no, no, no, we're not giving these to anybody. This stuff is for us! We're keeping one of everything for ourselves, and we're going to sell the rest on eBay. Except for the microwave oven. We already have one, so we're going to sell the Kenmore as a practice run for when we sell the other stuff. We really want to get the best price possible, so we need a dry run."

"I see. Well Soledad, there you have it! Two enterprising capitalists, here early on BLACK FRIDAY to take advantage of THIS AMAZING SALE HERE AT BESTBUY! Soledad, back to you."

"Thanks Bob! Well, you heard it everyone, there's a Christmas frenzy out there already, first thing in the morning on this BLACK FRIDAY. We're going to be interviewing shoppers at every mall on the East Coast to get you up to speed on how everyone is doing on their Christmas shopping this year! After a 30-second spot on the unfortunate assassination of Pierre Gemayel in Lebanon yesterday, we're going to take it over to Ganoosh, who is standing in front of The Gap at the Roosevelt Field Mall, which is just a stone's throw away, out on Long Island."

This is just a taste of what I'm talking about, and the hyperbole above is not too far from the reality. When I was in Japan, I saw something very similar happen on CNN's morning show. The shit is hitting the fan in Lebanon with Gemayel's assassination, a former Russian spy is dead in a London hospital, we're in a mess of a war in Iraq with our soldiers dying every day, and the fucking lead story the day after Thanksgiving is "IT'S BLACK FRIDAY EVERYBODY -- LET'S GO TO THE STORES AND SEE WHAT'S DOIN'!!!" This is news?? People spending their money at department stores?

It is utterly nauseating. For me, the media frenzy that now surrounds Christmas, and the subliminal media pressure to buy, buy, buy, more, more, more, every year borders on capitalist propaganda. It's like someone is orchestrating this mindless insanity every year to try to keep the economy pumping. Other than Mel Gibson, a bunch of evangelicals in South Carolina, and President Bush, who the hell talks about the Christmas Jesus until Christmas Day? And even then it's for five minutes -- maybe -- after you're done playing with your new toys and getting shitfaced on spiked egg nog.

And let's not forget how Americans manifest the Christmas spirit by engaging in stupid pissing contests over Christmas trees in airports, equal time for Menorahs, Merry Christmas v. Happy Holidays, and whether there actually is (gasp!) a War on Christmas. Oh and the fistfights in the parking lots over parking spaces, those are great too. And the store fights over merchandise ("I had it first." "NO, I HAD IT FIRST, LET GO!") I'm sure if Jesus were here today, He would be so pleased to see how people routinely ignore His message by engaging in petty arguments and putting themselves first. Why should Christmas be different from any other time of the year?

Sadly, the Capitalist Christmas is totally castrating the holiday of the joy it once held for me when I was a kid. It's almost totally gone. What Christmas has now become is most clearly manifested by the First Christmas Commercial, which comes out earlier and earlier each year. In fact, this year, I recall seeing the First Christmas commercial the week before Halloween. Halloween! They couldn't even wait for Thanksgiving, for crying out loud. I don't remember what product they were pushing, but I do remember the idiotic happy looks on the faces of the Perfect, White Family as they opened their gifts in front of the Perfect Christmas Tree as the Perfect Snowfall fell outside the window. I think the commercial may have been for an electric razor or maybe Gold Bond medicated foot powder.

Within the next five years, I fully expect to see The First Christmas Commercial emerge in early September, wedged between Labor Day barbecues and back-to-school ads, stumbling into fall totally unwanted and out of place, like a drunken party crasher. By the time I'm 65 and retired, I'll bet The First Christmas Commercial rears its ugly head on July 4th, like a spacey groundhog who always sees his shadow. That's when I'll give up, throw my white Keds at the television, and move to Italy.

And let us not forget the increasingly long Christmas list that must be addressed each year. It used to be simple enough. I would buy something for my immediate family and that's it. Mom, Dad, Sister T., Sister J., and let's call it a holiday. Not anymore. Now it's Mom, Dad, Sister J., Sister T., brother-in-law, sister's boyfriend, significant others (if they happen to be around in a given year -- my record here is admittedly spotty), nephew, niece, niece, secretary (I mean, "assistant"), paralegals, clients (if they pay their bills on time), building superintendent, hairdresser, cleaning lady, six doormen, twelve pipers piping, nine ladies dancing, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Fortunately, two modern conveniences save my ass every year: (1) the Internet, where I do 99.9% of my Christmas shopping and without which I would be known as "SMK," the Shopping Mall Killer; (2) moneyholder cards, wherein, for appropriate recipients, I deposit one of the following: (i) cash; (ii) a check; or (iii) a suitable gift certificate from the store of my choice. Once I've clicked "Yes," on my final online shopping cart and dropped off my final Christmas check, I always have a very big smile on my face. I also feel like an overused ATM machine.

For the foregoing reasons, in my humble opinion, the Grinch had it totally right. One of his original grievances about the Whos and Christmas -- besides the Noise, the Noise, the Noise -- was that he believed that the people in Whoville were all about the trappings of Christmas: the parties, the food, and the gifts. He thought he could stop Christmas from coming by stealing all of the Whos' gifts and food. The Whos proved him wrong, of course. Christmas came anyway, even without the gifts and the Roast Beast. The Whos celebrated their love of each other and simply being together. This is what made them happy and what constitutes the true spirit of Christmas. And in a remarkable show of forgiveness and acceptance -- which is supposedly Jesus' message -- they welcomed the mean, surly, obnoxious Grinch into their Christmas in Whoville, even after he had ripped them off. (Query: did they welcome him back BECAUSE he returned all of their gifts? Even I'm not cynical enough to believe that.)

Now, let's compare the Whos to ourselves. If a mean old Grinch came along on Black Friday and stole all of our toys, electronics, clothes, and even our Roast Beast, so that we had nothing to buy for anyone on our list, would our Capitalist Christmas be the same? What if advertisers and businesses weren't able to bombard us with every sort of car, diamond, and plasma t.v. commercial every five minutes? If we didn't have the relentless media and societal pressure to "buy the perfect gift for everyone on your list"?

After being stripped of our Capitalist Christmas by the Grinch, would we all hold hands and sing "Fah who for-aze, Dah who do-raze?" Please. I don't think we would know what do do with ourselves, other than to hunt down the Evildoer and "bring him to justice."

I wonder if this is what Christmas is like in other countries? Maybe next year I'll dodge all this b.s. and start a new Christmas tradition. I'll go on vacation from December 23rd through January 2nd, explore Christmas customs in foreign lands, and report back to all my friends and colleagues on what I have learned. That will be my "gift" to them. I think I'll start with Thailand. I think everyone is Buddhist and Muslim there, no?