Imus Be Missing Something

I’ve been away for awhile, so let's get into something controversial. Something tasty.

For those of you reading from points abroad, here in the U.S. right now, there’s a big shitstorm kicking up about some nasty words recently uttered by a radio personality named Don Imus, he of the comedy/political commentary radio show popular in certain circles. Imus is as old and crotchety as they come – I mean, look at the guy’s face up there. Crags and peaks and crevasses, oh my! His hair is positively Trumpian in its helmetude, and it's usually covered by a cheesy cowboy hat, your choice of black or beige. He is also quite partial to the denim suit, as he is not afraid to pair Levi's with a smart, starched chambray or denim shirt. Worn, of course, underneath a denim jacket. Collar upturned.

Personally, I’m not big into talk radio. (Though, as an aside, I love the movie Talk Radio with Eric Bogosian, which is now a Broadway play starring Liev Schrieber.) I have a hard time understanding how people can spend hours listening to a “personality” yammer his or her opinions on the radio, whether it’s Howard Stern, Opie and Anthony, or Rush Limbaugh. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a car (yet!) and don’t spend hours behind the wheel every day, but I get tired listening to people speak after too long. I want MUSIC. I want to DANCE (like I've never danced). I want to hear something that MOVES ME. Talk radio kinda leaves me cold. Even worse, it bores the hell out of me.

The whole shock jock thing has also become too transparent to appreciate any longer. The tried and true formula goes like this: 1. Say or do something controversial to surprise people and/or piss them off. 2. Get your name in the press, preferably while keeping your job, though this is certainly not mandatory, as future audience demand for your next, inevitable radio show will likely increase if you get fired for your antics, the more egregious, the better. 3. Boost ratings as much as possible. 4. Develop a stronger following based on controversial statements or conduct. 5. Increase salary. 6. Rinse well, repeat.

Howard Stern made an art of this. He created a rabid following so large, so passionate, that it was no surprise to learn that he was making millions on the radio. This was followed by a decent movie about his life and exploits, which he starred in and which earned him millions more. Just when you thought the man had enough bank, Sirius Satellite Radio paid him an absurd amount of money to leave earth radio and broadcast extraterrestrially, free of FCC regulation. Bad deal for Sirius, which has hemorrhaged gobs of cash ever since. Things got so bad in fact, that Sirius finally agreed to merge with its biggest rival, XM Satellite Radio. Great deal for Howard though.

But I digress. Imus, who is not quite as flashy as Howard (who hates him) or Opie and Anthony, if you can call these guys “flashy,” brings in about $20 million in annual ad revenue for CBS Radio, and WFAN, his New York radio station. Throw in revenue from his work on MSNBC and its affiliates, and he’s pulling in over $50 million. That ain’t chump change, peoples.

Yet, for all his success, Imus recently let his Ornery get the best of him. After the Rutgers University women’s basketball team lost to Tennessee in the NCAA women’s championship game, here is what he had to say, bantering with his buddies Sid Rosenberg, Charles McCord, and on-air sidekick, Bernard McGuirk:

Imus: So, I watched the basketball game last night between — a little bit of Rutgers and Tennessee, the women's final.

Rosenberg: Yeah, Tennessee won last night — seventh championship for [Tennessee coach] Pat Summitt, I-Man. They beat Rutgers by 13 points.

Imus: That's some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and —

McGuirk: Some hard-core hos.

Imus: That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some — woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like — kinda like — I don't know.

McGuirk: A Spike Lee thing.

Imus: Yeah.

McGuirk: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes — that movie that he had.

Imus: Yeah, it was a tough —

McCord: Do The Right Thing.

McGuirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Imus: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?

Rosenberg: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.

Ouch. Not good. Racist overtones? Check. Offensive? Check. Uncivil? Check. Messy, messy, messy, to say the least. Surely, Imus deserves the merde hurricane surrounding him at the moment.

But… Maybe it’s the lawyer in me. Maybe it’s my bugaboo about freedom of speech. Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of people going overboard with their righteous indignation, calling for a personality’s termination, nay, crucifixion, whenever he or she says something stupid or offensive and it's a slow news day. Whether it’s Ann Coulter calling John Edwards a “faggot,” or Senator Biden calling Barack Obama “articulate,” or Bill Maher calling the 9/11 terrorists “courageous,” or Mel Gibson putting his latest spin on anti-Semitism, I am really getting tired of public outcries that last longer than a day. Seriously.

People like Al Sharpton (whose speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention I actually liked) have made a CAREER out of self-righteous public indignation. It's nauseating.

Are we all so sensitive that we can’t call people out on their ignorance, racism, anti-Semitism – or whatever other ‘ism suits your fancy – and then fucking move on??? Do we really need an APOLOGY. Contrition? Or what passes for contrition from Ann Coulter? Does anyone take these apologies seriously when they hear them? Did Bill Maher really deserve to be fired from ABC for voicing an opinion that he can express on HBO without anyone rending their clothes or gnashing their teeth? These are celebrities for goodness sake! They make MONEY by being this way. And the public eats it up like creme brulee.

But hey, just for poops and giggles, let’s look closely at what Imus said. Not what his moronic sidekicks said, but what IMUS said. When you look at the transcript, the only offensive thing he said was that he called the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos.” Not nice words, to be sure. Most of us don't say things like that in our daily lives, let alone on a nationally syndicated radio show.

Was it racist? I’m sure the Rutgers players think so. And maybe they’re right. But how many videos does MTV play a day that have the same words in them, or worse? How come that's okay? Who do kids spend more time with, MTV or Don Imus? If you ride the New York subway often enough, you’ll hear the worst kind of garbage coming from the mouths of Youngins, of all colors and stripes. Pssssst. We live in a racist, uncivil world. Pass it on.

Even so, we apparently expect better from celebrities like Don Imus. And Mel Gibson. And Michael Richards. And Ann Coulter. Maybe you do, I don’t. Obviously, there’s a line somewhere that shouldn’t be crossed. Opie and Anthony crossed it on April Fool's Day a few years ago, in my view, by telling the good people of Boston that their mayor had been killed in a car accident in Florida. Then they upped the ante in New York by encouraging two fucktards to have sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral. Their asses got fired twice, justifiably.

But do three bad words from Imus rise to this level? I say nay. Words like Imus used are obviously insensitive and hurtful and should not be encouraged. Let him pay the price for his words and for letting the idiots on his show say obviously racist things. But let’s not kid ourselves, the guy's a comedic/political radio personality, not a governor. How high a bar do you really want to set for people like him? Racism and offensive words are everywhere, and every color and creed owns a piece. Making a week-long media story out of Don Imus’ stupid three-word comment isn’t going to change that one bit.

So, let’s get the requisite faux apology to symbolic black leaders over with, and let Imus and his merry morons get back to doing what they do best: saying controversial things and making a boatload of money in the process. Profiting from controversy is as American as apple pie.

Here's a video of what the apology should look like, with one of my favorite South Park characters, Randy Marsh, apologizing to Jesse Jackson for using the "N" word on Wheel! Of! Fortune!: