Reality Bites

Though I am loathe to write about a celebrity as irrelevant and pointless as Paris Hilton, certain events of the past week compel me to do so. PH isn't a true celebrity, per se. She's not an actress (though she's had bit parts in a couple of shitty movies and a spin on a vomitworthy television show called The Simple Life), a singer (though she made a half-hearted attempt back in 2004 and even started her own production company, called Heiress Records), or even a dancer (unless you count her choreography with Rick Salomon's braunschweiger in that infamous video a few years ago). PH is a socialite. Socialites had their heyday the 1950s and 60s, with the Ava Gabors, Kitty Carlisles, and Brooke Astors, but they're still around, people. The young ones, who've done nothing of consequence in life other than be born into obscenely rich families, do the party circuit, snort the coke, dance on bars, vacation in Cannes, and generally have a grand old time at Mommy and Daddy's expense. Their friends? Other socialites, of course. You think they'd hang with you and me? They'd sooner drop a sidewalk steamer in front of waiting paparazzi.

As for the older ones, you can still see them walking around the tony streets of the Upper East Side, their natural habitat. Like nearly extinct dinosaurs, The Ladies Who Lunch creak up and down Madison and Park Avenues, their faces plastered in thick, white makeup, their lips and eyebrows painted on, their oversized gold necklaces and bracelets and bangles swinging gently to and fro, as they put-put-put to lunch at Swifty's, or dinner at Orsay. If you're not sure whether you're walking behind a socialite on your way to the 6 Train, just lift your nose to the air. If you smell a perfume that stinks simultaneously of old money and archaic taste, or perhaps a scent that is 30 years too young for its bearer, chances are you've found yourself a socialite. Aromatics Elixir is a dead giveaway. (Again, why would ANYONE wear that bear piss?) They're still around alright. And they probably always will be. I'll bet you didn't know that there's a New York Social Diary, did you? It's kind of a blog for the upper crust, the patricians. (The plebian dirtbag masses get stuck reading crappy blogs like this one.)

Which brings us again, to Paris Whitney Hilton. She of the Hilton Hotel Hiltons. Here are some fun facts about PH. As a child, she had a number of exclusive homes, including a suite in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in Manhattan (what a fucking dump), and houses in Beverly Hills, and the Hamptons (dump and dump). She attended her freshman year of high school in Rancho Mirage, California at the Marywood-Palm Valley School, and her sophomore and junior years of high school at the Dwight School in New York. Alas, she dropped out. But to her credit, she eventually earned a GED, before turning to more intellectual pursuits like partying and modeling. Her most famous exploit to date, prior to her recent travails, was a spooky home sex video she made with Rick Salomon, he of Asbury Park, NJ and the former husband of D-List actress Shannen Doherty. (Oh, where have you gone, Luke Perry?) I've seen it once or twice or three times myself, and I think it's the finest work she's ever done.

By way of background, PH's troubles of last week began back in September 2006, when she was arrested and charged with driving under the influence. Her drivers license was suspended a couple of months later, and in January 2007 she pled no contest to a reckless driving charge. Her punishment was 36 months' probation and fines of about $1,500. No problem, right? She probably had $1500 in her wallet that day. But PH wasn't done. On January 15, 2007, she was pulled over for driving with a suspended license. She then signed a document acknowledging that she was not allowed to drive. But PH wasn't done. A month later, she was caught driving 70 MPH in a 35 MPH zone, again with a suspended license. She also didn't have her headlights on even though it was after dark.

PH WAS KEEPIN' IT REAL, MY FRIENDS. Laws? I don't need your stinkin' laws! I'm rich, fuckers! Alas, that's where Keepin' It Real Went Wrong.

L.A. prosecutors had had enough, and they claimed that these actions, along with PH's failure to enroll in a court-ordered alcohol education program, constituted a violation of the terms of her 2006 probation. You think? The rest of us would have been arrested and jailed on the first offense. Given her flouting of the law, a few weeks ago, PH was sentenced by Judge Michael Sauer to 45 days in jail for violating her probation. Initially, PH planned to appeal the sentence, and she supported an online petition asking California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger for a pardon. (Can you believe the balls?)

Eventually, she dropped her plans for an appeal and was sent to a special section of the Century Regional Detention Facility, an all female jail in Lynwood, CA reserved for "police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile inmates." Not a bad deal under the circumstances. With credit for good behavior, she likely would only have served 23 days of her 45 day sentence. That's only three weeks, people. She could have used the time to catch up on some good books, maybe take an art class, or work on her acting. Now that I think of it, the whole, unfortunate experience could have given her two-dimensional acting ability a new depth that it previously lacked. Perhaps she would emerge a better, stronger Paris Whitney Hilton.

But no, that's not what happened. Instead, she threw a hissy fit of rich and spoiled proportions, claiming that she had a "medical issue" that required her sentence to be commuted to home confinement. In the Hilton mansion. Are you done laughing? Talking head defense attorneys like that hack Mark Geragos, and no name psychologists who, no doubt, are looking for future Hilton and Hilton Connection business, got on Larry King and other talk shows and tried to give PH's claim credibility by asserting that she was getting a raw deal from the Judge, and that home confinement could serve as a real punishment because it would "limit her freedom." Amazingly, the L.A. Sheriff took the bait -- one has to wonder what kind of behind-the-scenes pressure was put on him -- and let PH go home with an electronic monitoring device that she'd have to wear on her ankle for the next 40 days. Poor girl. I've heard those things chafe.

To his credit, and to the applause of virtually the entire country, Judge Sauer reversed the Sheriff's decision, which violated the Court's prior order, and directed PH to go back to jail to fulfill her sentence. That's when we had the fiasco we saw last week. We found out later that PH's "medical issue" was comprised of a rash and a psychological reaction that arose because she wasn't taking certain medication. It's my guess that she didn't take her medication on purpose as some form of protest, or perhaps as a means of getting herself out of jail early.

What compelled me to write about this silliness was the picture of PH that appears above, which struck a chord. It's the first truly human picture I've ever seen of her. She's in obvious pain, and I actually felt a little sorry for her. For the first time, it seems, the reality of life for the rest of us has crossed paths with the bubble world she has lived in until now, and it's not going too well. On a human level, it's a little sad, but when you take a step back, you realize that justice was served here. Most people, particularly minorities, never would have gotten the break she received after she violated her probation the first time. Do you think a black woman in her position would have stayed jail-free after driving with a suspended license even once? No f'n way. Yet, because of who she is and who she knows, PH got a break. The kicker is, that PH was so goddamned arrogant that she did it again and forced the police to arrest her and put her in jail. That's hubris, folks. Even after she was re-sentenced, you could hear the denial in her voice when she yelled to her mother "It's not right!"

What's not right about it? Up until now, she got every break that this materialist, superficial, vapid society we live in could offer her. She has no demonstrated talent to speak of, but she's rich, attractive, and connected, so she has a pretty good life going. But in her skewed version of reality, it wasn't right that the rules that apply to all of us suddenly applied to her. To her, it wasn't right that Mommy and Daddy couldn't solve this problem by throwing some money at it. The above picture demonstrates, however, that whatever denial PH was in before her appearance in court last week has begun to dissipate. The fact that she appropriately dropped her appeal of Judge Sauer's recent decision is also a good sign, though it was undoubtedly a public relations move.

The other thing I find interesting about this story is the public's interest in it, and the virtual bloodlust that we all exhibited in our desire for this young woman to remain in jail and serve out her sentence. I kept wondering where it came from and why we cared, when more soldiers and Iraqi civilians died last week and when innocent Sudanese continue to be massacred on a daily basis with the world watching. I'm not totally sure, but I think it has something to do with fairness and equality. While there are more important stories out there demanding our attention, very few of them present clear issues of right and wrong. The world seems awfully complicated today. Was it right to invade Iraq and get rid of a dictator? Should we allow illegal aliens some form of normalized immigration in the U.S.? What should be done about Darfur? Who is right between Israel and the Palestinians? These problems are truly intractable, and they don't present clear answers.

By contrast, the story of a spoiled socialite who thinks the rules don't apply to her presents a clear choice between right and wrong. While people worship celebrities in this country, whether they are baseball players, rock stars, or actresses, there is a limit to what we'll tolerate. I think every human being has an innate sense of fairness and equality in them. I think we're born with it. And when our sense of fair play is so blatantly violated by a celebrity who otherwise has every advantage in life, we may give them a break once, but not twice. And let's face it, throughout history, the plebian relationship with the rich and famous has always been one of love and hate. On some level, we loooovvve to see the high and mighty brought low and humbled. It's not something to be proud of, but it's there, another human quality that requires revision. Paris Hilton is learning about reality, the reality that the vast majority of the world lives in.

Sometimes, sometimes, Paris.... reality bites. It bites hard. But don't worry. Soon you'll be out of the hooscow, dressed in your hot little numbers, flashing your bald snizz as you step out of limos, and doing the talk show circuit to discuss your "terrible experience" and what you've learned from it. Maybe there's even a screenplay here! On second thought, naaahhh.