Those Funky Monkeys

Life got you down? Are you feeling stressed out? Overwhelmed? Did Ahmadinejad's harsh criticism of the U.S. this week cut a little too close to the bone? Well, fret no longer, dear Reader. We here at M-A have just the solution for what ails you. After close consultations with our scientists and many successful clinical trials, we've come up with an ALL-NATURAL solution to the existential angst that plagues all of us from time to time. And it's completely FREE. You won't spend a penny. In fact, you can create this relaxation concoction yourself, in the privacy of your very own home. No unruly trips to the grocery store, with all that road rage in the parking lot, screaming brats in carriages, and perverted grocery clerks who ogle your boobs as soon as you walk into the store. (Pssst, back in the adolescent Day, I used to work as a grocery clerk. DeMoulas in the hi-yows!) No dangerous shopping on the Internets, with all those hackers and those, those identity thieves just waiting to steal your uh.... identity.

Where can I get this soothing elixir you ask? It's incredibly easy. Just squat down and pee on your hands and feet. Yeah, you heard me. Squat and pee. Hands and feet. Do it. Do it now.

I know, you all think I'm crazy. Au contraire, mes freres (et soeurs). I've got science behind me this time. You see, research has now confirmed that Capuchin monkeys wash their feet and hands in urine to get comfort or sex. Primatologist Kimran Miller at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls and colleagues studied tufted Capuchin monkeys for 10 months at the National Institutes of Health Animal Center in Maryland. Among other things, they discovered that the "alpha males" doubled how often they washed in urine when they were solicited by females. This suggested to researchers that "alpha males may use urine-washing to convey warm, fuzzy feelings to females, that their solicitation is working and that there's no need to run away. . . . [o]r they could be doing it because they're excited."

Hmmmm.

The researchers also found that when the monkeys were confronted with aggression, after they urine-washed, 87% of the time the aggression ended. This suggested that the urine-washing might help appease aggressors, "[A] sort of 'Hey, whatever happened, I'm sorry,'" Miller said.

Double hmmmm.

Here's the pee-esss de resistance (heh heh): the researchers determined that the Capuchins who urine-washed frequently had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, suggesting pee rinses "might help the capuchins soothe themselves," according to Miller. "That could make sense with the monkeys wanting to calm down when solicited by females or faced with aggression."

How's about that, people?

Now that you're in on this little stress-relieving secret from our primate cousins, you'd be a fool not to try it. Seriously, the next time your boss gets on your case about those TPS Reports that you never filed, why don't you take a squat behind your cubicle and try a little urine wash. (Guys, we can stand up, obviously). Or the next time you're on a first date and you're feeling kinda nervous, just pop a stop into the restroom and let the yellow give you some mellow. You won't regret it, and neither will your date. I'm telling you, it works. I tried it myself just before I did this blog, and I can already feel it kicking in. I just measured my cortisol and it's WAY down folks, barely readable. I feel totally calm and relaxed, like I can accomplish anything I want to in life. Or not, and it doesn't matter to me all. Now THAT's nirvana. And as you can tell by the quality of this entry, my creativity is BOOMING. Can you say "positive side effect?"

And ohhhhhh yeah, just like the Capuchins, I've got warm, fuzzy feelings that I'm throwing out to all the ladies. Awwwww yeah. No, no, there's no need to run away -- it washes off, I swear. So, come on over here. Come give T. a hug.