The Shire Has Spoken

Oh, you pundits thought you knew it all. Huck & Obamer got it locked up, you said. They're ahead in the New Hampshire polls, you said. Hillary's done, you said. All that cryin' the other day won't save her, you said.

Well, I feel sorry for you know-it-alls. Because NONE of you understand New Hampshire. None of you get it. New Hampshire has a mind of its own. New Hampshire does what it wants. New Hampshire has balls of granite and doesn't care what anyone thinks. Take a look at New Hampshire on a map. It's a raised middle finger extending from a balled fist. New Hampshire is a big "fuck you" to the world. Up there, they say "Live Free or Die" and they MEAN it.

And so it was that old blood n' guts John McCain and that "polarizing" woman everyone loves to hate, Hillary Clinton, came back from the dead to win the 2008 New Hampshire primary. A few months ago, McCain was the captain of a sinking ship. He was losing advisors by the day and dangerously short on cash. He supported the surge in Iraq when everyone else was calling for a pull-out (warrus interruptus). Many thought he would quit. But he didn't. Instead, he held on by his septagenarian fingernails and waited for New Hampshire. New Hampshire LOVES John McCain. They love his maverick mentality. They love his independent thinking. And they love his sincerity. McCain beat Bush in New Hampshire in 2000. (New Hampshire despises the Bushes, most likely because they summer in Maine.). Who was going to beat him this time? Romney? Please. McCain is the only tolerable Republican running. New Hampshire understands this and rewarded him accordingly. If only the rest of the country saw things the same way.

Hillary's huge win tonight was far more surprising, though. I have to admit, I didn't expect it. I know they love Bubba up there, but Hills?? Just yesterday, she was down double-digits in the polls, and Obamer was way ahead. But she got a little verklempt yesterday at a cafe in Portsmouth (my birthplace, no less), and I think it helped. Sure, if you're like my mother, who coughs up bile every time Hillary's name is mentioned, you think Hill's tears were "made up," "contrived," and part of a calculated political strategy. You think she woke up yesterday morning and planned the whole thing ahead of time. "I'm going to get teary today and show all those stupid voters that I'm actually a human being. Maybe that will get me some new votes!" Mmmm, yeah. That makes sense. She must be one great actress alright.

To people who hate Hillary Clinton, she could put a bullet through Osama Bin Laden's head while stopping a nuclear missile with her free hand, and they'd think it was all a political ploy to get herself elected. I think most people have lost any sense of objectivity when it comes to her. Yeah, too often, she comes off sounding like a programmed robot. Yeah, she's ambitious. Yeah, she can sound a little shrill sometimes. But for crying out loud, look at the moron we have in office right now, and all his foibles. He can barely put a sentence together, and people just laugh it off, as if illiteracy and inarticulateness are endearing idiosyncracies. I guess it's okay to have negative qualities, as long as you come off looking or sounding more stupid than the people criticizing you. P.S., John Edwards has been ranting and raving about evil corporations like Yosemite Sam for nearly a year, and no one calls HIM shrill or a bitch. I guess it's because he has a penis.

There's a bit of a double-standard going on here, and it seems unfair to me that Hillary Clinton has been saddled with so much baggage when it's Bubba who fucked around and got impeached, not her, and where other people running for office do similar things and take no flak for it. Say what you want about her personality, but she's smart, competent, and cares about this country. So she wants to be president, maybe wants it a little too much. So fucking what? So does every other a-hole running, except for maybe Fred Thompson, who looks and sounds as if he needs a nap every time I see him. (Why is he even in the race? He understands this isn't a Law and Order rehearsal, doesn't he?)

I believe Hills really thinks she can make a difference for this country, otherwise, she's putting up with a whole rash of personal b.s. for nothing. How fun it must be to be told every five seconds that the whole country hates your guts. If you don't like her personality, that's fine, but people voted for Bushie because they thought he was a fun guy you could have a beer with, unlike Gore and Kerry, who were too stiff and unlikeable. Look how great that worked out. How many dead in Iraq? Are those Katrina trailers still sitting in Oklahoma? Maybe a sparkling personality isn't as important as intelligence and competence when it comes to choosing a President. Maybe it's time we learned that little lesson in this country. Do you think that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, two of our greatest presidents, had great personalities? Do you think they were photogenic? No and no. Neither of them could get elected today. Andrew Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt? Total hardasses. FDR? Too rich and too crippled from polio. Could never get elected today. Truman? Too simple and too ignorant. All of them were standout Presidents. New Hampshire, which takes its primary more seriously than you could imagine, gets it. That's why it picked McCain over Bush in 2000. That's why it picked McCain and Clinton tonight. Screw the pundits, the evangelicals, the left-wing tree-huggers, who's going to make a good President?

This isn't an endorsement for Hills (and certainly not for McCain). I like Obamer a lot -- he's an inspiring candidate and an amazing speaker. He's got the vision thing down. I'm just waiting to see the beef. I even kind of, almost, maybe like the finely-coiffed Edwards and his populist message. All of them are tolerable to me. I just think Hills is getting a raw deal from people, and I don't think it's fair.

But tonight, as with Bubba in 1992, she was given new life by the voters of the Shire, and no one expected it. Put the lights back on, this race is far from over.