What's That Up There?

I don't want to get you alarmed, what with all that terrorism, bird flu, and global warming to worry about, but I think you should know. A 10-ton spy satellite has fallen out of orbit and is headed our way. Or not. They don't know yet. It might land in an empty desert, or it could drop right on top of your house while you're chawing on your bacon and eggs. Where it falls, nobody knows. What they do know is that we should expect it to arrive sometime in February or early March. Somewhere. Oh, there's one more thing. Since it's a spy satellite, it likely runs on plutonium or enriched uranium. That's nuclear material, if you're wondering. Authorities will neither confirm nor deny that our heavyset friend contains hazardous substances. That's a "yes" if you're wondering. So, even if it doesn't crash on you, depending on where it falls, you might get to take in some radioactive material while the satellite disintegrates in the atmosphere. Sweet.

Anyway, it's coming, and there's nothing we can do about it, except hope that Bruce Willis takes it out of commission if it gets too close to important shit (like Ammmerrrrrica!).

Here, in no particular order, are the top ten places I'd like to see it land:

1. Osama bin Laden's head. This is self-explanatory.

2. The Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of southern Florida. Can you say "Disney Atlantic"? How about "Nuclear Epcot"? The kids'll love it! And just think of the new jobs it'll create to stimulate the economy.

3. Halliburton's headquarters. In the middle of the night, of course, so no one gets hurt.

4. Rush Limbaugh's radio station. Okay, okay, while he's not there.

5. Ann Coulter's house. Okay, okay, while she's not there.

6. The Fortress of Solitude. I just wanna see if Superman will do something to save his sanctuary. So I can, you know, find out if Superman really exists.

7. Jerusalem. Just to see the Apocalypse afterwards. I kid, I kid.

8. CrazyBitch's head. Okay, okay, while she's not there.

9. Area 51. It just feels right.

10. Dick Cheney's favorite hunting spot. While he's there. This is self-explanatory.