When you're flying tens of thousands of feet above the ground and your airplane shakes up and down and side to side like a Christmas snowglobe, as mine did tonight, the strangest things pop into your head:
Is this turbulence going to stop or what? Oh, good. I hate turbulence. Damn, there it is again. Oh good it stopped, okay, please be the end of it. Ohhhh fuuuuuck, it's not overrrrr! Okay, that wasn't so bad. Why do I get so freaky, it's just a little wind. Fucccckkkk. When the hell is this going to STOP??
What's that phrase? Wind shear? Can wind actually shear a wing off this plane? That's happened before, hasn't it? Wind shear. T. was killed by wind shear. Not the cancer. Not the heart attack. Not the mad cow. The wind shear got him.
Am I going to die with these people? I don't even KNOW these bad luck assholes!
Can't that fucking pilot lower the altitude or go higher or slow down or some shit? Isn't that how you deal with this?
Serenity now.
If I unbuckle my seatbelt right now, how hard will I hit the ceiling?
Great, I'm almost done with Running With Scissors and I'm not even going to see how it ends. And I can't believe this is the last book I'm ever going to read. A book about child abuse. Couldn't it have been Infinite Jest or War and Peace or something?
All that stuff I worried about for 40 years doesn't matter too much at the moment. What a waste of time.
Nice. Sade just came on my Mellow Mix and the last song I ever hear is going to be Smooth Operator. I can't go out like that.
I wonder how my family is going to take this. They'd better not fold like a stack of deck chairs or I'm going to haunt their sorry asses.
I knew I should have flown out here in August instead. Damnit.
How many small decisions led to this shitty result?
I have absolutely no control over what happens to me right now. None.
I wonder if that hot girl sitting behind me is scared enough to be propositioned into a joint bathroom visit. May as well go out with a bang....
Maybe if I close my eyes and pretend I'm in a car and it's just a bumpy ride on a country road, this'll be easier to deal with. (Closes eyes) Mmmm, that's better. Okay, it's a little rough on this road. Whoa, that was a pretty big dip there. They should really put up a sign or some kind of safety speed bump or something. Okay back to small bumps... Uh, why is our car swerving from side to side? Is someone driving drunk? Why are we swerving and dipping now? Oh that's right, BECAUSE I'M IN AN AIRPLANE!
Where's the puke bag? All the flights I've taken in my life, I've ignored the puke bag, and now when I need it, it's not even in the seat sack. Lovely.
I really should have tried for that MFA. Done it at night or something. Should have done more of what I felt like doing. Oh well.
I am not going out with The Cure's Lovesong! Where's that iPod? I'm getting me some Hives on here. Or maybe some AC/DC. Great, I'm in my last moments and I can't even decide on an epilogue song.
Okay, this isn't really happening to me, the real me. It's happening to the person whose ego I decided to play in this life. The real me is out there in another dimension and if something happens to this little ego, I'll just come back as another one. Not a problem, though it is a little sad that this one didn't get to do everything it wanted. And hopefully dying won't hurt too much. Poor little ego. Ego, Eggo. Eggo, Ego. Leggo my Ego. Leggo my Eggo. I'm hungry. I could really go for some waffles right now. If I survive this, first thing I do is get myself a nice, big stack of blueberry waffles.
Damn, I wanted to see Obama win.
Where the hell was my guardian angel Zoltar when I needed him? Probably somewhere eating waffles, the bastard. Damnit, Zoltar!
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