8 Things I Think I'm Thinking About On January 23, 2008

Heath Ledger. Have to start with this one, since it's hot off the presses. First the rumor mill was saying he killed himself. Now they think it was an accidental drug overdose. Whatever it was, the news came as a shock. The video of paramedics wheeling his bagged body into an ambulance while the paparazzi flash away made my stomach churn.

Heath Ledger certainly wasn't someone you thought of when you pondered Hollywood-stars-most-likely-to-die-too-young. By all accounts, he was a decent man and a good father. Here's a link to some run-ins he had with everyday people who have nothing but good things to say about him. He also took his acting seriously and seemed to have a great career ahead of him, according to his peers. Myself, I never saw Brokeback, but I was pleased enough with his performance in the cheesy A Knight's Tale. His loss is a terrible shame. Even worse is watching the fuckheads on garbage t.v. like Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood pick at his bones with salacious glee. There is a special place in hell reserved for them. R.I.P., Heath.

Freefallin' economania. I don't know if you've noticed, but our economy's headed straight for the shitter. The market's been a roller coaster lately, and there's gloom and doom on the faces of all those "financial reporters." They're even starting to use the "R" word: Recession. We're talkin' layoffs. We're talkin' bankruptcies. We're talkin' foreclosures. It's not a pretty picture. I guess that money pit of a war we can't afford is finally coming home to roost. What's the bill, $2 billion a week? I know it's a stretch, but methinks we could find a better use for that money. Then there's the real estate bubble that's letting out air faster than a whoopie cushion with Rosie O'Donnell's ass on it. Add a lack of consumer confidence, and we've got ourselves a perfect economic shitstorm.

This bad financial news really hit home for me a couple of weeks ago, when I learned that Cadwalader, a prominent New York law firm, laid off 35 associate attorneys. LAWYERS ARE GETTING FIRED, PEOPLE!! That's when you know it's bad, when LAWYERS -- the plankton of the economy -- start losing their jobs. Something has to be done, and right quick! We can't allow good, decent, honest attorneys to continue joining the ranks of the unemployed. If the sad, pallid faces of underworked lawyers don't stir up your inner Good Samaritan, I ask you, what will? So won't you please help? To make a donation, just call 1-800-WE-SCREW-YOU. Call now, our operators are standing by.

But hey, Bushie's working on a "stimulus plan." Just one pregunta though: Why does he always prepare for the hurricane three days after it rips the roof off the house?

Watch those elbows! Did you see the Democratic debate the other night? Oh man, it was good stuff! Hillary and Obama were going at it like two Rottweilers who hadn't been fed in a week.


Seriously, the two of them took playground mudslinging to a new level. First he slapped her by saying that while he was helping the poorest of the poor as a neighborhood organizer in Chicago, she was sitting on the Board of Walmart, eating her lobster and sauce. (Ok, I added that last part.) Oh, you should have seen the look on Hill's face afterwards. She was totally pissed awwwf. There were daggers in her eyes. She kept smiling through that death mask of hers, but I knew she was just biding her time before she inflicted her revenge on Obamer. Sure enough, a couple of minutes later, she kicked him right in the ballsack by claiming that while she was fighting the Republican war machine in the early '90s, he was busy representing a "slum landlord" in Chicago on behalf of his law firm. Awwww yeah.

The whole audience went OOOOHHHH, like they knew it was ON. And Obamer cracked a half smile that said YoufuckingbitchI'llripyourheartoutbeforethisisover. He had to explain it, which is the whole point of flinging political poo. No one cares what the explanation is, it's all about the accusation. (For the record, Obama responded that he only did 5 hours of work for the slum landlord, while neglecting to mention something I learned later on msnbc.com that the slum landlord actually helped him buy his house and later donated to his campaign, which donations Obamer later gave to charity.) Hmmmm. Then Edwards does his "I'm above these bickering fools but I still want to keep my options open for VP so I'll throw some jabs but no haymakers" thing. Pussy.

Man, this is good, good stuff. Fun to watch. But not too good for the Democratic Party. Here's hoping these overambitious knuckleheads remember that if they keep publicly ripping each other new ones, they'll all be too damaged for the election that really matters. You know, the one in November. But the thing of it is, I'm not too sure either of them care. It's all about them. In fact, if you watch any debate, you quickly realize how big an ego a person needs to have to enter politics, and in particular, to run for President. These people friggin' love themselves.

Speaking of self-absorbed politicians, here's another shocker: Former Senator and erst-while actor Fred Thompson just ended his presidential bid. And what a passionate ride it was! I can't say I didn't see this coming, but still it's a little surprising that he didn't stay on for awhile and--- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hairline epilogue. I got my hairs cut yesterday, and I noticed that from the forehead up, I'm starting to look more and more like Jean Reno:

And I'm cool with that. Not that I have a choice.

This just in: fighting with your spouse is good for your health. A new study of marital couples has concluded that it's actually better for husbands and wives to vocalize their anger and fight it out, rather than keep it in. Congrats, Mom and Dad, you're both going to live to 120!

Daniel Day-Lewis. I saw him in There Will Be Blood a couple of weeks ago, and I'm telling you, he was mesmerizing. And I don't say that about a lot of men.


The movie was over two and a half hours long, but with him onscreen, it flew by. The guy's an artist who literally becomes the character he's playing. I don't see too many movie characters where I forget that there's an actor playing a role. When I see Robert DeNiro or Liam Neeson, or Jack Nicholson in a movie, in the back of my head, I'm thinking, "Oh, that's Jack Nicholson playing a psychopath with an axe," or "That's Robert DeNiro playing a gangster." Not so with Daniel Day-Lewis. When he's in character, I totally forget there's an actor there. And so it was with DDL's depiction of Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood. If he doesn't get an Oscar next month, I'm going to write a strongly-worded letter to the Academy.

I'm getting very sleeeepy. I don't know what my problem is lately. All I feel like doing is sleeping. I know I go to bed late, but that can't be all it is. I think it's the time of year, maybe. It's so dark all the time, and I'm in my office during daylight hours. It amazes me that so many people have trouble falling asleep though. They take Ambien and all kinds of drugs just to sleep. A mixture of some such drugs probably killed Heath Ledger. Sleeping pills are completely foreign to me. I've never taken a one in my life. Unless there's a snorer in the hizzy, or I'm anxious about some major work assignment, I fall asleep very easily and sleep like a baby. I guess I should count my blessings once in awhile.

Things I Think I Think On September 20, 2007

I'm glad they Tase'd him, bro. Anyone who watched the video and doesn't think that spoiled, wannabe, melodramatic, annoying fuck wasn't pandering to the cameras to promote his own douchebaggery is blind and stupid. It's laughable that this tool has now become a cause celebre for police brutality and some cop is probably going to lose his job over this. Andrew "Don't Tase Me, Bro" Meyer is a great example of the spoiled and self-absorbed pricks who currently occupy our universities on Daddy's dime. Better put more money in my 401(k), this country's going to be in the toilet in 20 years. Actually, I remember more than a few dinks like this when I was in school, so nevermind.

Speaking of douchebaggery, O.J., welcome back, my brother! For one night at least, you slept in jail, which is where you belong. How ironic that you may get more prison time for a botched robbery than for the cold-blooded murder of two people. Someone should Tase him, bro. A few times.

How petty has the United States become? The leader of Iran wants to go lay a wreath at Ground Zero and we refuse to let him. This is the international equivalent of taking our ball and going home. How silly. Yeah, he's a dick. But we've got our own dick as President, don't we? Actually, our Dick is Vice President; we've got a Bush as President. Sometimes our Dick gets inside our Bush and that's when we get an orgasm of problems, like the Iraq War, sweetheart deals for Halliburton, and the evisceration of our civil rights. But I'm digressing again.

Yeah, Iran's causing problems in Iraq, Syria, and a lot of other places. But is Iran doing anything the United States hasn't done first? We've certainly caused our share of problems in other countries during our history. Here are a few examples of the places we've invaded with our armies, our CIA, and/or our money: Iran, Iraq, Nicaragua, Cuba, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Somalia, the Philippines, Indonesia, Venezuela, Vietnam, Guatemala, El Salvador, Lebanon, Ecuador, Chile, Korea, and Cambodia. And we're criticizing Iran for meddling in other countries' affairs? Talk about the ass calling the finger stinky. They're just doing what we've been doing for the past 100 years. At least Iran stays relatively close to its own borders.

Sure they're trying to develop nuclear weapons. But we do not occupy the moral high ground in this area. We invented nuclear weapons and have thousands of them stockpiled. Chemical weapons too. And... biological weapons too. "Oh," you say, "it's okay if WE have them. We're a NICE country. We only want what's BEST for the world. Some of those other countries are BAD countries. They do BAD things." That's all a matter of perspective, folks. I don't think most of the world agrees with that point of view. Most of the world thinks George Bush is more dangerous than Osama Bin Forgotten. That's sad, and it shows you how far we've sunk. Oh and by the way, we're the only country that's ever USED nuclear weapons. And we look the other way on nuclear proliferation when countries we like acquire them. You don't hear us complaining about Israel having nuclear weapons, do you? Or India? Or Pakistan? (That last one scares me way more than Iran.) Do those countries have any more right acquire to nuclear weapons than Iran? Why exactly? Iran understands that the United States would think long and hard before it attacks a country that has nuclear weapons, so it's understandable why Iran wants them too.

I know it's not a popular view, but if Iran's nutty professor wants to visit Ground Zero and pay his respects on behalf of the Iranian people, sincere or not, we should let him. What would it cost us? Iran's younger generation is very pro-Western and is chafing under all the stupid rules instituted by Iran's religious leaders. It's only a matter of time before moderates start occupying positions of power in that country, so less, not more, separation between our countries is what's needed here. Snubbing Ahmadinejad, a democratically elected leader, only makes us look like the arrogant fucktards we've been acting like for the past seven years. And even worse, it makes that whackjob look like a victim. Smart move, America!

Besides, people shouldn't forget that Iran actually condemned the 9/11 attacks and was initially helping us in Afghanistan when we invaded six years ago. They only changed their tune after we stupidly invaded Iraq. Uh, can you blame them? How comfortable would we be if we had the Chinese Army occupying Canada and Mexico and building military bases on our borders? It's time we started putting ourselves in the shoes of the countries and leaders we say we despise. Maybe then we'll adopt a foreign policy that plans beyond the next five minutes and does more good than harm.

Damnit, Kyla Ebbert's outfit was NOT too skimpy to fly on Southwest.
Give me a friggin' break. That's what she's wearing and they throw her off a flight? Puh-leaze. There's no cleavage there and hardly any skin. Indeed, I've seen skimpier Christmas Party outfits on some of the secretaries -- I mean "assistants" -- who work in my law firm.

I'd like to know who the hell complained. It had to be a woman. Probably a busybody who reads Quilting Weekly and hasn't been laid in a decade. Damn sure no straight man groused about that outfit. Or even a gay man. Actually, check that. A gay man may have tried to have Kyla thrown off the plane for bad taste. Either way, why can't people mind their own fucking business?

I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but I'm SICK and TIRED of the anal a-holes who always play the victim and who think they can boss everyone around because their hypo-allergenic sensibilities have been offended by something that the average person doesn't give a shit about. Let's round these hypersensitive jerks up and stick them in Ethiopia for a couple of weeks and see how offended they get when they can't find any food or water. Man, these people chap my ass! And I love how the airlines pander to these Human Nerve Endings instead of doing the only thing we want them to do right: take off and land on time. And I also love how every time I fly, I NEVER sit next to someone who looks as slutty hot as Kyla Ebbert. No, instead I get Stank Canker, the 350 lb. frequent flier from Milwaukee who smells like warm salami and three-day old Cheetos.

The "Jena 6" Situation. What a clusterfuck. How does a simple assault and battery get charged as an attempted second-degree murder? That's idiotic. And how in the world does the racist beating of a white kid justify a "March for Justice" led by the Revs. Sharpton and Jackson? What about justice for the kid who got beat up? Seems to me that those protesters are overlooking that someone got their ass kicked here. According to Jackson, the little scamps who did it should only get "probation." I wonder if he'd be supporting probation if the colors in this story were reversed. I wonder how big a protest there would be if it was six white kids who attacked a black kid and put him in the hospital. Oh, it would be bigger alright, but for different reasons. They'd want a LOT of jail time and how! And The Jena 6? C'mon. We're not talkin' The Chicago Seven here. I'm just glad no one got Tase'd bro, or we'd have had ourselves a riot down there. Long way to go on race relations, pee-pull. Long way.

On the bright side, at least someone's protesting something in this country. Tens of thousands dead in Iraq and hundreds of thousands murdered in Darfur and you don't hear a peep.

Fall is here, and I'm as happy as Jeremy Piven in a Catholic, all-girls high school. This is my favorite time of the year, by far -- the time of year when I really miss living in the Shire. Brisk, clean air, the leaves are changing, Halloween parties, hay rides, bobbing for apples, the whole nine yards. Down here in NYC, the perks of fall aren't quite as fantabulous, but I'll take them anyway. No more heated city stench wafting off the concrete. No more sweatin' to the oldies on the subway. No more sidewalks packed with Eurotrash and Midwesterners. A nice clear path until Thanksgiving. And we've got our outdoor beer gardens (including one that's coming to the 'Burg this month), our Spa Week, our Village Halloween Parade, our Feast of San Gennaro, and our Film Festival. Best time of the year. Speaking of which, I got myself a hankering for a lager right now.....

I Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident

When in the Course of late night mind farts it becomes necessary for one blogger to dissolve the good taste that has connected him with society and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitles him, a decent respect to the thoughts of his own mind requires that he should declare the opinions that impel him to his mind's ambition.

I, T., hold these truths to be self-evident:

Rich and famous man does not always equal happy man. You think if you're loaded with cash and have put out a few hit movies or hit songs, you'd be relatively happy in life. Not so. How many fucked up celebs can we count out there? Even going by recent events, we've had Ms. Spears in and out of rehab and sporting the cueball look; Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie -- I get them all confused. Which one is the redhead with the nice snoobies who was in that remake of Herbie The Love Bug? I can't remember. Anyway, now come to read about Owen Wilson's recent attempt to kill himself and it's really sad. The other ones are just wilding, I think. They're too stupid to really know what they're doing. But Owen is 38 and relatively intelligent, as I understand. He's old enough to have thought things through before deciding to off himself. It really sucks, and one has to wonder what it is that got to him. I've loved him in almost everything he's been in ("Hey, J.C. was Jewish!"), so I'd really like him to stick around for awhile. Bottom line though: rich and famous man, does not mean a happy man. See Cobain, Kurt.

A great many beauty pageant contestants are blithering idiots. I give you Exhibit A, Miss Teen USA 2007 contestant, Lauren Caitlin Upton, of South Carolina:



Query: why don't they just end the pageant after the swimsuit competition? Why make them talk? The fact that Ms. Upton finished third runner up just goes to show you how fucked up beauty pageants are.

White, married Republican Congressmen really like extramarital @o@k and pu$$y; they just don't like to advertise it. About ten years ago, they impeached President Clinton for getting his pole smoked a few times by a 21 year-old intern and lying about it to a grand jury. Lying about getting a hummer. To a grand jury. Does it seem absurd to any of you that our nation's President should have been put in the ridiculous position of being forced to testify to a grand jury about getting his knob waxed by a young woman in the White House? (Yes, that's three -- count'em three -- euphemisms I've used for "blowjob" in this paragraph.) It sure seemed stupid to me at the time, though I wish when he was called out on it, Clinton would have told the truth.

You may recall back then that so many self-righteous Republican assholes got on their high horse to chastise Clinton for his sexual escapades, as if THEY were immune from reproach. As if THEY were not guilty of similar transgressions. Well people, if there's one thing we hate here at M-A, it's hypocrisy. And Republicans are fucking hypocrites. I'll say it. Indeed, in recent years, we've had more Republican sexual scandals than you can shake a dick at: Mark Foley (Florida representative, sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to underage boys); Bob Allen (Florida state rep, soliciting prostitution from undercover police officer); Bob Livingston (Louisiana representative, resigned from House after revelations came out about adulterous affair); U.S. Senator David Vitter (adulterous affairs with D.C. prostitutes). We've had Gary Condit (adulterous affair with an intern who mysteriously turned up dead); we've had Newt Gingrich, one of Clinton's biggest critics (adulterous affair). And now we've got Larry Craig, the esteemed Republican Senator from the wonderful State of Idaho, who, last June, pled guilty to disorderly conduct for "lewd behavior" in a bathroom stall at the Minneapolis Airport. Here is how it went down for the Honorable Senator from the State of Idaho, according to the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

According to police reports, Craig kept watching the undercover police officer through a crack in the bathroom stall, Roll Call reported. Craig then entered the next-door stall and placed his luggage against the opening under the stall door.

"My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall," said the officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia.

The report continued: "At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. . . . The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. . . .

At one point, police reports said, Craig handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a U.S. senator and said, "What do you think about that?"

Roll Call reported that a Craig spokesman said the incident is a "he said/he said misunderstanding." Craig denied any lewd intentions and told police he has a "wide stance" in the bathroom and reached down to pick up a piece of paper from the floor.

"It should be noted that there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper," Karsnia wrote in the police report.

According to the report, Minneapolis airport police have made "numerous arrests regarding sexual activity in the public restroom."

Oh, I'll bet Senator Craig adopts a "wide stance" alright. The full police report can be found here, if you want to read it. Say cheese, Larry!



The irony is that the horniest, most sexually free-swinging Republicans are precisely those who, like Senators Craig and Vitter, have crafted this absurdly false reputation of being family men and "pro marriage" and "pro family values." And it cracks me up to learn that Foley and Craig are against gay rights and gay marriage when they so avidly pursue gay sex. YA FUCKIN' HYPOCRITES!!!!!!!!

Dentists aren't necessarily sadists, they just dress and act like them. If you're like me, and you're petrified of the dentist, you know what I'm talking about. I have spent more time than I cared to this summer with my ass planted in a plastic-covered dentist's chair having my mouth manhandled by a diminutive but surprisingly strong female dentist in midtown. I plan to write more about this at some point, so I'm not going to go into detail here, but I'll just say that no matter how gentle and nice they are, having 34 hooks, drills, fingers, circular mirrors, cotton balls, metal clamps, and suction tubes in your mouth all at once does not a pleasant afternoon make. Right now, the inside of my mouth feels like a reconstruction project on This Old House. More about this later.

I love the International Film Channel, but I really don't need to see a documentary about people committing suicide by jumping off The Golden Gate Bridge a half hour before I go to sleep. And they somehow managed to capture real people doing it in real time. Apparently, the filmmaker tricked the Bridge Committee into allowing him to film the bridge for months, and he managed to capture 23 of the 24 suicides that took place in 2004. Then he interviewed the friends and family members of the deceased without telling them that he had footage of their deaths. Nice guy. Anyway, the movie was incredibly morbid but compelling at the same time. I couldn't stop watching it. Then it ended and I had to go to sleep. Not well planned on my part. Well, at least I'm not putting it into my head again before I have to go to sleep tonight.