You Can't Get There From Here

SCENE: Grand Central Station (Monday through Friday)

TOURIST: enters from any direction, stopping without notice, against traffic, quizzical, gawking, lost, excited, dazed, confused, Southern, Midwestern, Western, Northeastern, Teva-sandal-, baseball cap-, Midwestern sports-team paraphenalia-, plaid shirt-, flip-flop-, athletic sneaker-, fanny pack-, capri pant-, too tight jean-, New York-t-shirt-icon--wearing, staring at the ceiling tiles, lethargic, clueless, map and guide-holding, camera 'round neck, upward pointing, backpack/messenger bag/murse/purse/beach bag-carrying, walking like baby with load in diaper; (EURO/GLOBAL TOURIST subsection: quizzical, gawking, lost, excited, dazed, confused, leather Gucci murse or purse, fancy-pants, slick, moustached, bearded, tan, cologned and perfumed, more money than common sense, Italian, French, Japanese, Korean, Spanish, English, German, Swiss, Greek, Polo/Versace/Missoni/Cavalli/Armani/D&G-, espadrille-, Fila sneaker-, leather sandal-, nonsensical English-worded t-shirt-, too-tight designer jean-wearing, hot gf with sickly, skinny bf, OR grungy, broke, hostel-staying, roll-out-of bed, straggly hair, overstuffed backpack with entire vacation contents, walking like baby with load in diaper)

ME: perpetually late, no coffee, overtired, perspiring, iPod listening, recklessly fast-walking, weaving around Tourists like Mario Andretti around driving school safety cones.

Dear Touristicas,

Enjoy your stay in New York. Spend some money. Have a nice meal at one of our top notch restaurants. Buy some clothes at Saks, Bergdorf's, or Bloomies, using our ridiculously devalued dollar. Go check out "Ground Zero." Take some smiling pictures in front of that fenced off, extremely large hole in the ground where 2700 innocent people died five years ago. Buy a September 11th t-shirt or WTC snow globe. Show them to your friends and family back home. You were there! Take a cab - converse with the foreign-speaking driver in the front seat. Maybe he speaks your language. Make a memory. And for goodness sake, buckle up! Try the subway - read the map carefully and ask directions if you need to. Happy to help. Go to SoHo/Chinatown/Fifth Avenue/Times Square/South Street Seaport -- have a grand time (I won't be there).

Just do me one, small favor: Watch where you are going, and stay the fuck out of my way. Please.