8 Things I Think I'm Thinking About On March 1, 2007

Boy all this work has been cutting into my blog time lately. Enough with the mushy b.s., it's a new month. Time to get back to current events. Here's a quickie in the middle of my workday: 8 things I think I'm thinking about today, March 1, 2007.


1. Dick Cheney would do well to keep his pasty white arse within the borders of the United States. Yes, he's almost as despised here as he is in Afghanistan and Pakistan, but as far as I know, no one here is trying to take him out. Seriously, what in Allah's good name was he doing visiting those two haters a few days ago? Couldn't he have done the same thing with a video conference? No, no, no. Meeting with foreign dignitaries is really not the point. These little jaunts to the world's hellholes by Messrs. Bush, Cheney, and Madame Rice are designed to accomplish two things: (1) Stanch political bleeding on the home front, and (2) Poke a large American finger in the eye of our enemies. "I am all powerful, and I can go wherever I want in the world, including your backyard. I'm right in your face and you can't touch me, fuckers!"

Well, Dickles almost got touched a couple of days ago. Permanently touched. Too bad the Talibananas don't know that you can't kill Dick Cheney. You can only hope to contain him. The man is a vampire. He's Bulletproof. A zombie. The undead. You get the point. He's survived what, four heart attacks? He's not going anywhere and will probably live to 104.

Oh, and I loved this quote. When Dick was asked about the purpose of the suicide attack -- which killed 23 people by the way -- this is what he said:

"They clearly try to find ways to question the authority of the central government. Striking at Bagram with a suicide bomber I suppose is one way to do that."

No shit, really? If they almost got Cheney on short notice, how much time do you think Karzai has left?



2. Britney's bald look is hot. Yes, I know I'm in the minority here. Perhaps even a distinct minority. But her head is so smooth, so sexy without hair. It really brings out her beautiful eyes. I dig it. I really do. I'm biased though. In my life, I've had torrid crushes on other bald women, like Sinead O'Connor (pre-SNL fiasco) and the bald actress in the first Star Trek movie. I can't explain it. You really need the right head shape to pull it off though ladies, so beware before you trot out those clippers!



Jack Nicholson is another story. At the Oscars, he looked like a bloated Daddy Warbucks in too-cool-for-school sunglasses. Like Darth Vader after they removed his helmet in Return of the Jedi and showed his misshapen blue head. Not a good look, Jack. But you're doing it for your art, so you get a pass. (And I know you're reading this blog in between Bacchanalian romps with young wannabe starlets. That's why I am speaking to you directly, in the second person).



3. Pigs are flying and hell is freezing. We are approaching peace with North Korea and (gasp!) we might actually be seen in the same room with leaders from Iran and Syria. Good news, my brothers!

Of course, the moral of this story for all you pipsqueak enemies of the United States is that if you build yourself a nuke or two, we'll make peace with you. No one wants a nuclear fistfight. Is it any wonder why Iran is running full steam towards membership in the Nuclear League of Nations? It ain't no fluke, if you don't got that nuke!

Hey, who's that in the back of the room stompin' and swearin' and gettin' all red in the face? Israel? Hmmm... this story's not over yet. Get your hazmat suits and Cipro ready folks, and strap yourselves in. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.



4. You think your life sucks? Try being Taco Bell for five minutes. First they have a sickening outbreak in some of their restaurants in New Jersey and then NYC inspectors "discover" a nest of rats in one of their restaurants in Greenwich Village. Nice eh? I love rat droppings with my tacos, don't you? If you are stupid enough to still own stock in Yum Brands (owner of Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut), you may want to consider beating yourself about the head with a KFC chicken wing.

I've probably eaten at a Taco Bell twice in my life (my appetite does not run large for a shit-looking/smelling bean paste in a thin wheat rollup), but you'll never catch me there, or at any of those other places, again. In fact, between E. coli outbreaks, mad cow disease, and that bloated feeling I get after eating red meat, vegetarianism is looking better and better to me every day.



5. I wish Alan Greenspan would shut the fuck up. Isn't this guy supposed to be retired? He's as old as God and he still feels the need to grab his balls and opine on the future of the market whenever someone puts a mic in his face. A few days ago, he did us the dubious favor of proffering his wisdom that the U.S. could be headed for a recession later this year. Based in part upon his negative remarks (and profit taking in an overheated Chinese market), the U.S. market tanked 416 points, the largest drop since after 9/11.

Can't he be quiet, go buy an island somewhere, and keep himself busy playing hide the mango with a few lady friends? Sheesh. If he keeps this shit up, I'm going to be on the street wearing nothing but a barrel, like a poor character in one of those old Bugs Bunny cartoons.



6. This just in -- 74 year-old Italian grandmother, Olga Mauriello of Naples, finds live grenade in groceries. Apparently the device was covered in dirt and she thought it was a spud, a dirty little potato, until she took it home, picked it up, washed it off, and realized she had a live, active grenade in her hands. [INSERT CLICHED ITALIAN EXCLAMATION HERE]. Thankfully, she lived to tell the story, though she has been seriously traumatized by the Spud That Was Not A Spud.

Baaaah! What a baby. My Nonna would have turned that grenade into spicy fries, thrown it on a plate with a T-bone, and served it to us for dinner.


7. In local news, I can't decide where I come down on Pool Aid. You don't know what Pool Aid is? Man, where you have you been? Pool Aid is an organization that has taken a (still) decrepit, though incredibly large, empty pool near McCarren Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and turned it into a happenin' site for summertime concerts. I attended a couple of them last summer, and they were actually kind of fun, though the lines got longer as the word got out. Cheap beer, Dodgeball games, slip n' slide, hot dogs, lit doobies here and there, and good old fashioned rock and roll. All the great things you remember from your childhood.

The downside is it that the crowd gets a little grungy during the course of an afternoon. And after a few drinks, some of the hipsters -- the cool but much maligned 18-25 year-old unwashed demographic that pervades the 'Burg -- come perilously close to venturing into 60s hippydom, dancing around, hugging, waving, laughing, smoking. Hippies are most certainly NOT cool. When I start seeing hippies, that's when I pick up my NY Times (what a dork I am, seriously), get on my bike and leave the scene.

Some people don't want the concerts because McCarren Park is located near rapidly rising, yuppie condos, some of which now surround the Park. The concerts go all day on the summer weekends. Not exactly what the Condo People envisioned when they plunked down mucho dinero for granite countertops, Australian Jarrah wood floors, and Subzero refrigerators.

If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, what a hipster is, or why you should give a rabbit's poop about pool concerts in a tiny town in Brooklyn, well have I got a special treat for you! I ran across the video below on Curbed, which will answer ALL of your questions and much much more. It's Pool Aid Hipsters singing "We Are The Pool," playing off the USA for Africa song from two decades ago. Shots of last year's concerts, kids splashing, Williamsburg hipsters dancing, and people just having a good old party time. An aging, sadly deflated Kool-Aid Man even makes a cameo. (Sadly, he's really let himself go. Must have been all that cocaine in the 80s.) Enjoy.






8. One small step against terrorism, one giant leap towards a police state. Time for an update on the legal proceedings of the case involving alleged Al Qaeda operative (and American citizen) Jose Padilla. He's the guy they locked up in a U.S. military brig in South Carolina for a few years without due process for allegedly plotting to build a dirty bomb. His trial is coming up in April and what do you know? It appears that a crucial DVD recording of Padilla being interrogated has mysteriously disappeared. The missing DVD dates from March 2, 2004. It's important because it might show, among other things, that Mr. Padilla was sufficiently traumatized by prior harsh treatment -- which has been said to include extreme isolation, manipulation of the temperature in his cells, loud noises and other techniques designed to break him down -- that any confession or other statements he gave during interrogation could be ruled inadmissible at trial. Guess we'll never know now, will we?

Prosecutors gave no explanation for how and why the DVD went missing after all this time. One would think they would have kept it carefully guarded under lock and key, since it purportedly provided key evidence of Mr. Padilla's guilt. Apparently someone important decided that the bad outweighed the good and the DVD should disappear, so it did.

This guy is getting railroaded so badly, it makes Saddam's trial look fair and clean by comparison. Can't wait to watch the sham on C-SPAN.

And that's 8 things I think I am thinking about today. Good night and good luck.