I Want One.

It isn't every day that I get excited about a new toy. Okay, that's a total lie. I love toys and gadgets, the more, the funner, the merrier. Indeed, I could fill a year's worth of bloggies with all the happy playthings I lust after on a daily basis. But I haven't written about any of them until now. That's because it took a very special toy to break my cherry on this subject, and now, after more than a year of searching I finally found one, courtesy of that wonderful website of Male Frivolity, Uncrate.

What if I told you, dear Reader, that within weeks, you could hold in your hot little hands a toy action figure that looks just like you, from the hairy mole on your left cheek, to your goofy hair part, to your ice cream-stained chinos? (I hope all of you don't really look like that.) Does that sound like something you might be interested in?

Well, have I got a treat for you! For a mere $425 dollars -- a pittance in today's toy universe, what with $299 Playstation 3s and $50 video games that bore you after eight plays -- Hero Builders will customize a 12" plastic action figure in your very own likeness. And yes, they pay attention to details. From the tribal tramp stamp on your lower back, to your diamond nosering, to your webbed feet, they've got you covered. Authenticity is their middle name. They'll copy your favorite shirt, blouse, shoes, panties, chapeau, whatever. You name it they do it. They even do kinky, if you're going for that freak-without-warning motif.

You say you want accessories? Maybe you carry an iPod, Treo, or Blackberry, and you want your tiny doppelganger to reflect the true you through your accoutrements? Hero Builders can DO that! They'll put all of the above in your doll's hand, just so he or she can look as cool and trendy as the real you. Hero Builders can even make you look more hip than you really are. Example: Let's say you're like me, and you love Guitar Hero, you enjoy pushing all those colored buttons in sync with your t.v. and rockin' out to such fabulous hits as "Sweet Child O' Mine" and "I Love Rock N' Roll," but you couldn't play a real guitar to save your life in a bar fight, Hero Builders will supply your little dude or gal with their very own guitar, no experience necessary. They'll even deck you out Jack Bauer-style if you like.

People, the possibilities are endless!!!

And I haven't even mentioned the best part. For no extra charge, if you send Hero Builders a 20-second sound clip of yourself, they'll make your action figure speak in your own voice! How friggin' awesome is that? So pick yourself a catch phrase and let 'er rip. Oh man, I can barely sit up in my office chair I'm so excited!

Of course you're going to want copies of yourself to give out to people. I mean, that's what this is really all about, right? Extending your Ego to as many people as possible? (We love our little Egos, don't we?) Good news: each 12" Ego facsimile will only cost you $50. People, that's the cost of a cup of coffee each day for like, 50 days. It's almost free, when you consider all the joy your likeness will bring to those who receive Little You.

Can you say "Multiplicity" starring Michael Keaton??

Now to whom would you give these Ego dolls, you ask? Well, forget about your co-workers. They'd probably do nasty things to you, like pull your head or legs off when they're pissed at you for making them work a weekend, or worse, conduct weird sexual experiments on you late at night, in the private confines of their smelly dungeons. Who needs that shit? Friends are out too, since familiarity typically breeds contempt.

No, no, when it comes to giving yourself away, I'm thinking charities. Just consider how many smiles your toy likeness will bring to the faces of children in Third World countries who have no toys to play with. Wouldn't it warm your heart one day to turn on 60 Minutes or 20/20 around Christmastime to see a little child in Ghana or Ecuador playing with a tiny toy YOU? Watching them pull the string in your back to hear you exclaim, in your own voice: "Hey bitch, that's MY Razr!" or "Fuck you dude! You wanna piece of this? You wanna step outside?" I get tingly just thinking about it. Or how about giving one to a romantic interest, whether they're aware of your unrequited ardor or not? Nothing says "I love you" to a significant other on a wedding anniversary, or "I can't live without you, so I won't let you live without me" to a complete stranger on Valentine's Day, better than a 12" plastic replica of yourself.

Now ladies, I know you're going to ask, so I'm going to cut to the chase and throw this limited time offer out there. If you act now, right this minute, you can possess one of the following hot-selling versions of me, yes ME, at a bargain basement price of $49.95 per figure.

You say you like variety? Well ladies, just LOOK at all your options:

BOOBERRY T. - This charming fellow is truly a collector's item and our most popular seller. It features T. in his trademark BooBerry t-shirt, olive cargo shorts, and blue flipflops, all chillin'. Whether you're just kickin' back, hanging out, or just need a tablemate for a quiet dinner at home, this replica of T. will keep you (and your daughter(s)) smiling for years. Brooklyn Industries murse sold separately.

ALOHA T. - Jaunty, insouciant, charming, and dare I say it, SEX-AY, this rare, hard-to-find replica features T. at his best and most tolerable: relaxed and on vacation. No ornery fellow here. This doll wears T.'s happy-go-lucky Aloha flower shirt (now seen on Flickr), navy blue jeans, laceless Converse sneakers, and signature dark blue glasses. Ladies, this mischievous little scamp will keep you warm at night and fits nicely in a carry-on for those long, lonely vacations (wink wink). Take him to the beach or out to dinner, Aloha T. is always there for you. (DISCLAIMER: this replica of T. has a slightly darker skin tone than the others, and bears alarming, but hidden, tan lines.)

LAWYER T. - Serious, combative, aloof, and downright sassy, this replica of T. shows him angry but gainfully employed, and dressed smartly in a navy blue two-button suit, white dress shirt with lavender and pink stripes, and matching lavender tie with paisleys, black wingtips, and glasses. Comes with briefcase and in two speaking versions: (1) "No, YOU'RE out of order! This whole fucking COUNTRY'S out of order!" or (2) "This is an OUTRAGE! I demand a RECESS!" Lawyer T. will sit by and counsel you to "keep it legal" as you write those angry emails and drunken text messages to ex-boyfriends, shame spiral lovers, and C.A.C.A.

For some reason, we have a large inventory of this particular version of T., so we have slashed our price to an unbelievable $19.95! You won't find a lower price anywhere.

KINKY T. - FOR ADULTS ONLY, features a leather clad and slightly bewildered T. blindfolded, handcuffed, and gagged with a little red ball. T.'s rounded head is made of durable plastic and serves a dual purpose once all accessories are removed. Call for details. BATTERIES SOLD SEPARATELY.

Get your orders in now via email to mind.ambition@gmail.com, while supplies last! If you act within 20 minutes of reading this blog, I'll throw in a Ginsu knife, Flowbee, or Veg-O-Matic -- your choice -- at no extra charge. ACT NOW!

(Operators are standing by to take your order.)

If you don't want to incur the expense, then feel free to vote for your favorite T. doll using the Vote Counter above. Polls close in a week.