FF (All I Want For Christmas, Installment 1)

My family says that I'm really hard to shop for during Christmas. They think I have everything, or that I want things that are too expensive or prohibitive for them to buy me. Oh, I don't know. I don't think a slinky hot girlfriend with a Ph.D. in physics and exotic sexual proclivities is too much to ask for, do you? Or a turbocharged Maserati Granturismo in electric blue with beige seats and lumbar support? What's so damn unattainable? I really don't understand what the hell they're talking about.

Anyway, this year I'm going to make it easy for them. I just found the perfect gift for me, or any hard-to-shop-for person on your Christmas list. Ready? Here it is:


Rhino Poop. Brown gold. As dark as the earth itself. And with the undigested straw strands still intact. Where can I get it, you ask? Where you get everything: eBay.The International Rhino Foundation is auctioning off four (4) pieces of rhino crap on eBay to benefit conservation efforts. Can you believe this shit is finally for sale?! I'm so happy, I have tears in my eyes.

I know you like variety, so you'll be happy to know that the Rhino Poop comes in four different styles, each tailored to its particular rhino source: white, black, Indian, or Sumatran. Unfortunately, the highly-coveted Javan Rhino Poop is very rare and in high demand, so little Johnny or Sally will have to make due with Sumatran instead. (Just don't mix it up with your morning coffee!)

You'll probably want to display your Rhino Poop in style too. Rest assured. Each piece of poop is dried, mounted in a clear trophy case and marked with the type of rhino that produced it. They've really thought of everything! But you'd better act now. There are only four for sale, and the bidding is shooting up as I type these words. Not to mention that there are only 17,500 rhinos left in the wild and only 1200 living in captivity. Before long, they'll be extinct. So get your Rhino Poop NOW, while supplies last. It's the perfect gift for the tree-hugging, hairy-legged, granola-eating, Birkenstock-and-hemp-wearing, paint-throwing vegan friend or family member on your Christmas list.

Or if you just like Rhino Poop.