Liveblog - Orlando, FL

T. here, liveblogging from Orlando, Florida, where I will be attending a securities industry conference for the next four days. A few observations from my first 24 hours:

Florida is fucking flat as hell. I've been here several times before, and for some reason, every time I visit, I can't believe how flat this state is. Driving in and looking out my hotel room window last night, all I could see was a straight green line on the horizon, interrupted by the occasional resort hotel. There's no skyline to speak of and barely any trees. New Hampshire doesn't have much of a skyline either, but at least we gots us some ta-rees! I guess if I want trees, I'll have to hit the Everglades.

Kids are noisy and my tolerance for kid noise is right above a brick to the kneecap. Squealing, crying, yelling, whooping, hooting, hollering, screaming, whining, moaning. And that's just the parents! (Rim shot) I just can't deal. When I travel, heck, even when I don't travel, I don't want to hear any of that bullshit. I want to sit by the pool, book in hand, and burn myself to a lobster red in silence. Silencio!! I got here late yesterday, so I had to take what I could find when it came to getting a seat by the pool. Unfortunately, the only seat available was near Kid Central in the "lazy river pool." Another thing I hate at these hotels is "lazy river pools" -- they're like neon bug zappers to children. They get in their inner tubes, float there all day, hootin' all the while, and they never f'n leave. So I sat there with my iPod on until the sun began to go down and most of the rugrats left. They're like reverse vampires. Once the sun sets, they have to get back inside or they'll buuurrrrn. As soon as they were gone, this black dude in ankle length "shorts" and dreads down to his shoulders sat down two seats from me and began talking into his cell phone like he was in one of those Wazzzzupppp!! commercials. Ten minutes later, I waved the white flag and surrendered to my hotel room.

To be fair though, I'm in Orlando, Florida, home of Disney Land, Universal Studios, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and all their wascally friends. I'm on kids turf. I get it. So while I'm ranting a bit, I fully understand that it is I who is the interloper here, not they. We'll just have to have a detente over the next few days, as we both try to accomplish our respective professional and personal goals here in Orlando.

I've encountered several adults as well, who are simply clueless. Two examples:

1. Two pot-bellied, middle-aged dudes with tattoos and earrings who, notwithstanding the availability of about 30 empty pool chairs to my immediate right at 10:30 this morning, decided to plant themselves right next to me, on the left. Fucking tools. I had them pegged for gay -- which is fine, just cruise somewhere else -- until one of them called his wife on his cell phone. He called her "Honey Bunny" (gag) and took 10 minutes to tell her where she could find her missing phone charger. The other one left for awhile, mercifully, then returned two hours later with an enormous cigar. When he saw that nobody was getting annoyed at the smell -- cigar smokers love to be noticed and particularly love it when people get offended at the stink, probably the only two reasons they smoke cigars in the first place -- he left, probably to find a place with more people to annoy.

I don't know. Maybe I'm putting out the wrong vibe with my bathing suit, which is pink and decorated with large blue strawberries. Maybe I should have brought my blue one with shipwheels. On the upside, some cute ladies in bikinis sat across from me and stuck around all afternoon, so the annoyance factor was effectively a wash. Fortunately for me, I brought along my ginormous, reflective Blue Blocker sunglasses, so I was able to "read my magazines" all afternoon.

2. A loudmouth horseface who engaged in an extended public conversation across the aisle of pool chairs with an equally loudmouthed woman in a one-piece. No idea that maybe the people around them could give a rat's ass about the fight he almost got into 30 years ago, or the rules of volleyball.

But I've learned you have to be nice to everybody at these conferences because you never know if the person who is annoying the hell out of you is a potential client or worse, already a client. Or the wife of a client. Or the kid of the wife of a client (and the client). So naturally, I keep my intolerant and hypersensitive thoughts to myself. Good thing no one can read minds.

Last night I was so lame. I got here a day early so I could relax a bit before the conference started. After I returned to my hotel room from the pool, I was so tired that I didn't even feel like getting up to get dinner. I did a little reading, watched UNC nearly get upset by Louisville, then put on the HBO and watched this Chris Rock movie that was surprisingly okay; it was called I Think I Love My Wife, or something. Then I switched to the History Channel, which had on a show about The Big Bang and the origin of the universe -- I love that stuff -- and before I knew it, I was out. I hardly ever fall asleep in front of the television. I'll bet 67 year olds have more exciting Saturday nights.

Well, I am sure I will make up for it tonight. Our first cocktail hour starts at six and plenty of work colleagues are here to keep me awake. Ta for now.