7-7-07

You feelin' lucky today? I know I am. It's July 7, 2007, everyone. A can't miss day. So you know what I'm gonna do? Sssshhhh. I'm getting married today. Don't tell anyone. I know, you're all shocked. But T., we all thought you were a committed bachelor (or a bachelor who should be committed), I can hear it now. Yes, it is surprising, I know. But hey, I never say never, not even to marriage. And as snake-bit as I've been in all things romantic in my life to date, I need all the help I can get. So when the calendar throws three Lucky 7s at me, I do NOT hesitate, people, nosiree Bobby. No, what I do is take the devil by the horns, throw OFF the shackles of frustration, commitment phob--, er, reluctance, and self-fulfilling prophecy that has plagued my suffocated love life until now, and dive headfirst into the pink, oxygenated swimming pool of matrimonial bliss.

Who's the lucky lady, you ask? Oh, I have no idea yet. Shit, it's only 10:40 a.m. I've got plenty of time. I'm going to finish drinking my coffee, shower and get presentable. Then I'm going to pick the 7th woman I see today, get down on one knee, and propose to her, right then and there, wherever she is -- subway platform, restaurant, sidewalk, Victoria's Secret store -- I'll let destiny guide me. Since I didn't have the foresight to buy a ring, for now I'll use one of those Glad garbage bag ties. Hey, if she's THE ONE, she'll think it's funny and will totally appreciate the spontaneity.

Once she says yes, I'll flag the 7th cabbie I see and have him take us to LaGuardia (screw Newark). Then get on a 7 p.m. flight, most likely a 747 (do they make 777s?), and fly to Vega$ baby, Vega$ on Cupid's wings. (No, we're not taking C.A.C.A.) Once in Vega$, we'll zoom over to the nearest drive-in chapel, get our papers in order, and have Elvis marry us in a pink Cadillac. Then I'll FINALLY be married, one of tens of thousands of lucky couples who are doing the deed today, including that swarthy rapscallion Tony Parker and his hot piece of a fiance, Eva Longoria. Seriously, this just may be the best plan I've ever had. Time to get the single albatross off my neck and what better day to do it than 7-7-07?

Oh please, don't try to bring me down with your raised eyebrows and cynical commentary. This is going to work, I can FEEL it. It's July 7, 2007!!! How can I go wrong?

Well, given my recent flying experience, I've learned to always have a Plan B, heh heh. If this perfect plan should somehow hit a speed bump, a highly unlikely prospect, I'm still covered. How? Two words: lottery tickets. I'm playing every friggin' lottery possible today: Mega Millions, New York Lotto, Lotto Extra, Pick 10, Take 5, Win 4 Midday, Win 4 Evening, Quick Draw, and Raffle to Riches. I'm buying 7 in each category, all quick picks. I know I'm going to win at least one of them, maybe even two or three. I KNOW it. It's not even a matter of "if." The only question is how I'm going to spend the assload of money coming my way. I have some ideas, but most of it is going to go towards convincing Sarah Shahi to tie the knot. Which brings me full circle to marriage, once again. With all that cashola on my side, it won't be long before we're sailing the Carribean on my 300' sloop and slurping Veuve Clicquot off each other's naked bodies as we enjoy a friendly game of Stratego.

Hmmmm, I think I actually like my Plan B better than my Plan A.

Target wedding date for me and Sarah: 8-8-08.