I stopped watching the Grammys a long time ago, around the time they awarded "Best Rock Album" to Jethro Tull for that early 90s CD of his. Jethro Tull. Best Rock Band. Or somesuch. The problem with the Grammys is that they seem to be awarded to bands who were good 10 years ago. Every award, with maybe the exception of hip hop, seems outdated. So I stopped watching and turned my attention to the MTV Music Awards, which are usually entertaining in some way.
Well, this year I tuned in to the Grammys once again, because I'd heard a rumor that they'd caught up to the times. It's two hours in and I want my money back. Coldplay? Coldplay? Jesus, c'mon. They were good five years ago, but why are they winning awards in 2009? And now John Mayer gets an award for "Male Pop Vocal Performance"? What is that exactly? I can only blame myself, because deep down, I knew this would happen. The Grammys are all about pop, not the cutting edge. If I want cutting edge, I'll need to dial into XMU on Sirius.
That said, it hasn't been all bad. Putting aside the misguided awards, one of my favorite things about the Grammys when I happen to tune in is seeing artists of different musical stripes and ages singing and playing together. The Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder. Chris Martin and Kanye West. Paul McCartney and David Grohl. Al Green and Justin Timberlake. Miley Cyrus and the lovely Taylor Swift. She's 19, right? Dang.
Speaking of dang, Carrie Underwood looked amazing and really belted out that song that she sang whose name I didn't pay attention to because I was too busy gawking at her legs. I'll look it up later.
I also like it when they play Radiohead songs with a massive orchestra behind them. Everything sounds better with an orchestra. In fact, I'd like to have my own orchestra follow me around New York City, playing a daily designated theme song. Tomorrow it would be "I Fought the Law and the Law Won." Sure, it would be a little crowded on the J train, but it would be totally worth it.
U2 was good too, kicking things off with one of their new songs. Still, you'd think for the Grammys they could get more big names to show up. And where was Fleet Foxes or Vampire Weekend or The National for Best New Artist? The only remotely alternative musician I saw tonight was M.I.A. and she looked like she was about to give birth at any moment. Sheesh.
Why does it always sound like Samuel L. Jackson is yelling?
Someone needs to straighten T.I.'s winter hat. He wears it resting on the top of his head and crooked, just like my 69 year-old father. Now if we can just get Dad to rap like that, I could stop working and retire.
A Cabinet position for Secretary of the Arts? Give me a fucking break. Art needs no bureaucracy and we don't need a cabinet position for every stupid interest group.
Is there anything Jamie Foxx can't do? Love that guy.
I had hoped for a Neil Diamond/Lil Wayne duet, but what I got was Neil speak-singing "Sweet Caroline" like Bill Shatner.
Isaac Hayes and Bo Diddley are dead? When did that happen?
I think John Mayer and Josh Groban are the same person.
Robert Plant is one cool dude. That said, I wish he'd get over himself and do the Zeppelin reunion tour already.
Raising Sand for Album of the Year? Uh, I didn't even know it was out until tonight. Boy the Grammys are weird.
Seacrest Out.
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