There's A Splasher On The Loose

People, I have some scary news to report. Prepare yourselves. Sit down, if you must. Are you ready? Okay. There's a Splasher on the loose on the streets of New York. Yes, you heard me right. A Splasher. I know, I know, it's terrible news. He (or she) strikes at night, when everyone is asleep. Walking around, armed and dangerous, the Splasher stalks a suitable victim for days, waiting for the right moment, waiting until they're alone, with no one around.

That's when The Splasher strikes. He or she whips out that night's weapon of choice. Maybe it's a can of Pacer White SW 6098, Juneberry SW 6573, or Sapphire SW 6963. Lately, the Splasher has shown a penchant for Gulftream SW 6768, or so we think.

There are countless mysteries about The Splasher that have yet to be resolved. Why is he or she doing this, defacing beautiful street graffiti -- which is art as well, in my opinion -- with big, ugly, chaotic splotches of randomly chosen colors of paint? How did this graffiti war start? What is The Splasher's point? Does he (or she) favor Sherwin-Williams or Benjamin Moore? Why? People, we just don't know.

Here's what we do know. The Splasher's work is fugly and anarchist. (No, I didn't just say The Splasher is the Antichrist, read it slowly). As of late, he (or she) has been leaving a "Manifesto" at each crime scene, which contains an opaque message railing against something or other having to do with street art, capitalism, or whatever the fuck. Honestly, I can't understand what the hell Splasher's message is, maybe you can. Here's a copy of the Manifesto, which you can enlarge:


Wow, that's some real pseudo-intellectual shit there. Who the fuck is Dada and why would he/she/it support the wanton splotching of colorful street art that people actually enjoy looking at? Clearly, The Splasher is a person who really likes him (or her)self and, quite literally, wants to spew his or her narcissism all over the place for the world to see.

Here are some images of Splasher's recent victims, who are now horribly disfigured. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.




Sadly, this story recently hit home because, and this is hard for me to say, The Splasher is now hunting victims in my neighborhood, Williamsburg. Yes, Splasher's operating right here in the 'Burg, defacing street art, some of which I had previously posted on Flickr. Here's one I took of that dear old friend of mine, Uncle Sam:



Look how The Splasher massacred my boy (pic is not mine):



Here's what the bastard (or bitch) did to the painting of the beautiful woman I took a picture of a few weeks ago (first pic is mine; "after" pic is from Curbed):





Pretty disturbing stuff, I know. I hope you didn't eat breakfast before viewing these.

There are numerous other examples of Splasher's sick handiwork in the 'Burg, which have been carefully documented by fellow 'Burger i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin' For more Splasher-related pictures, go here.

New York-centric media also have been covering this story for months. We gotta story on Curbed; we gotta story on Gothamist; we gotta story in the Village Voice; and we even gotta story in the New York Times. Whew Splasher, you are bigtime, my brother! (Or sister).

In this age of terrorism, you will not be surprised to learn that this story of graffiti run amok has just gone national. I woke up this morning to see a story about The Splasher posted on MSNBC, via The Washington Post.

Everyone's wondering, just Who Is The Splasher???? Recent speculation has it that this is just another instance of guerilla marketing gone overboard, that some corporate lackey is being paid a few bucks every week to deface street graffiti, which is not legal property, to get some free "underground" advertising. One company in particular, who I am not going to name here for fear of giving them even more free exposure, is under suspicion, because ad postings mentioning this company have been found near The Splasher's recent defacements, untouched.

Folks, if you haven't noticed, it's getting harder and harder for corporate America to get into your heads. Billboards and neon signs just aren't cutting it anymore. This is why they have to resort to stupid marketing ploys like the ATHF fiasco a few weeks ago in Boston and now, possibly, this absurdity in New York. This is what it takes to get through to you. It's your own fault.

And if The Splasher really is an individual acting alone, a selfish, puerile, Mommy-didn't-hug-me-enough, narcissistic, attention starved, I-used-to-pee-my-bed-and-sometimes-still-do, wannabe artist who can't make it in the real art world, buddy, get some fucking therapy. No one wants to look at your pathetic excuse for a "statement." Enjoy your 15 minutes.