How Much For That Virgin in the Window?

Ladies, how much did you get for YOUR virginity? A six-pack of wine coolers, you say? A night at the Stone Gable Inn? Some People magazines and a pack of Dentyne gum? Nada?? I know the feeling. I got zip for my virginity too. See, I grew up in the days before the Internets, before email even. It wasn't so easy back then to get the word out that my virginity was for sale to the highest bidder. I can only think back and wonder how much money I could have made if only I'd been born twenty years later.

Not so for Natalie Dylan, a twenty-two year-old virgin from San Diego, who has put her virginity up for auction and persuaded 10,000 men to place a bid on her offer of a one-night stand. The winner will get to enjoy a hot, sultry, disease-free night in the amorous, if inexperienced, arms of Ms. Dylan. Think she's crazy? Think this auction of hers is tawdry and demeaning to women? Well, I will have you know that Dylan is a WOMAN STUDIES major who is doing this to make enough money to pay for her Masters degree in FAMILY AND MARRIAGE THERAPY. Still not sold? Geez, tough crowd.

Okay, how about this: Wanna know what the bidding is up to? $3.7 million! That's 3,700,000 dollars. Can you believe it? Over three million bucks to have sex with a 22 year-old virgin in San Diego. This is right out of Memoirs of a Geisha, except she ain't no geisha and this ain't World War II. Where the fuck are we going as a people when random virgins are auctioning their unsullied poonannies on eBay? And am I the only one who's surprised that there are still 22 year-old virgins floating around?

Lest you think I jest when I tell you that I think this is in danger of becoming a global trend, apparently there's some Italian model, Raffella Fico, who plans to sell HER virginity for one million euros, or $1.4 million. Fico appeared on the Italian version of Big Brother earlier this year (an Italian Big Brother with virgins on it? wtf?) and she plans to use the money to buy a house in Rome and pay for acting classes. Nice.

Does she look like a virgin to you?


Me neither. But according to her brother, she's really a virgin and a devout Catholic who prays to Padre Pio every night. Riiiiiight. (The Padre had no comment.)

I really don't know what to make of this. Half of me is shocked that this is where we're going now, that this is how far we've sunk, virgins giving it up for the almight dollar. The other half of me is seriously impressed with the entrepreneurial spirit of these two virgins and the amount of money that they stand to make just by surrendering the goods one solitary time. Or two times. Or three. Query: for $3.7 million, is a one night stand literally an all night deal, or is it just one and done? For that kind of money, one would hope that it would be the former, but if someone is stupid enough to pay millions of dollars to have bad sex with a virgin (it's commonly known that virgins are fairly lousy in bed), then they might be stupid enough to be convinced to only do it once.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who say, "Shit, I would never do that. I'd never lower myself to that level, sell myself for money. No way." But c'mon. One time? For almost $4 million dollars? You wouldn't do it? C'mon! You wouldn't even consider it? Not for a second? I don't believe you. Think about how much bad sex you've had in your life, that mediocre, lame, half-assed, going-through-the-motions sex that we've all endured from time to time. Think about all those times you thought to yourself afterwards: "Meh, I'll never get those three minutes back again."

Now think about $3.7 million dollars dropping on your bare, naked self right after, hundreds of $1000 stacks, which you giddily count while kicking your uninspiring, passionless partner out of bed, never to be seen again. Still wouldn't do it? Bullshit!

If only I'd thought of this myself when I was still a virgin those many moons ago. With what I had to offer, I would've CLEANED UP! Then I would've taken every dime of that seed money (drumroll), invested it in Microsoft, and watched it grow over time until I sold it at the very peak of the market in March of 2000. You know where I'd be right now? Not sitting here writing a blog, I'll tell you that! No sir. Probably wouldn't be practicing law either. I'm fairly certain of that as well. Nah, I'd be gonzo, off exploring the great blue yonder, seeing the world and writing about it. I'd be living the sweet, carefree life of an independently wealthy ex-virgin, doin' as I please, when I please, and with whom I please. All in exchange for a temporary sell-out, a cheap, demeaning act that was over before I knew it.

But it's too late for me. I can never get my virginity back and no one would spend that kind of money on me now. I'm used goods. Yesterday's news. That's the price I pay for my lack of foresight in 1986, for thinking like a virgin instead of a money-making machine. Ms. Dylan and Ms. Fico don't have that problem. They're in it to win it.