I've been pretty delinquent this week. I've logged nary an entry and left The Shat up in here much longer than I intended. I feel pretty bad about it. Know what I need? A confession. I need to confess my sin. But to whom? If only there was someone around, someone important, someone with enough respect and effervescent holiness to hear me out. I've got a lot to get off my chest cuz I been a bad boy.
But wait, I forgot, Pope Benedict XVI is here! He's in New York today! Oh happy day! Just in time, someone with sufficient gravitas to hear about my bad behavior the past 25 years. There's just one problem though. I'm not a Catholic anymore. There, I said it. Hey, I'm just being honest. I couldn't tell you precisely when I got off the religion train. It was a process, something that happened slowly over time.
As a boy, I was raised Catholic and didn't have much choice in the matter. Like most kids, I was inculcated in my parents' religion. They baptized me before I could walk or voice any objection. I have no memory of it, of course. It's filed in my hazy, pre-kindergarten memory bank, along with the doctor spanking my ass after my birth and the trauma that was my circumcision. By contrast, I vaguely remember receiving First Communion. (I'm eating the body of Christ? Seriously? Why does it taste like cardboard?) Then, through elementary school and junior high, I attended Catechism once a week for part of the year. It was usually one of our mothers who taught it, a thankless task, since none of us took it seriously and goofed off most of the time. I distinctly recall one year after I hit puberty, where I spent virtually every weekly session sneaking peaks at Celeste's boobs. I'm fairly certain that wasn't appropriate.
At 14, I got confirmed. My confirmation name was "Paul." The last sacrament I ever received took place shortly thereafter, when I made my first confession to a priest. I don't recall who it was, or what I told him. It's not like I had much to work with. Celeste's boobs notwithstanding, I was still a virgin at that point, and most, no, ALL, of the action I was getting was in my imagination. Indeed, I was years away from engaging in the type of sordid activity that feeds a proper confession. While I don't remember what the priest and I discussed, I do remember wondering what the hell I was doing in a large wooden box telling my secret naughties to a complete stranger hidden behind a sliding screen. Even then, it made little sense to me. But I went along with it, cuz that's what we do at that age, we go along with things.
In college, I branched out and acquired a mind of my own. I learned about different faiths, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism. It was an intellectual exercise, more than anything. I went through a brief phase where I thought maybe there was no God or, at least, no proof of one. Then it passed. Atheism held little appeal for me and still doesn't. For one, it's kind of boring. "There is no God. You live, you die, you're worm food, Th-Th-Th-That's All, Folks!" Okay. Um, you gonna eat those fries? I don't buy it, I don't feel it. That way of thinking is like betting the Don't Pass line in craps. It's a negative. It's "anti". Why bet against the table, when you can bet with the table and enjoy all the screaming and high fives and drunken hugs that goes with it when someone hits the point? Isn't that more fun, more interesting? Sure, no one knows who's going to win, but I'd rather play the game with a purpose in mind. Otherwise, what's the fucking point?
Second, atheism strikes me as unduly nihilistic. What you see is what you get. If you don't see it, or it hasn't been verified by science, then there ain't no such thing. That logic makes no sense. The mere fact that science is constantly discovering things that we couldn't previously perceive tells us that there is more to life than meets the eye, or ear, or skin. We're like ants on a beach trying to understand our own solar system. We don't know shit. Even the science atheists worship tells us that. Every time science discovers something new and brings us closer to the truth, we learn that what science (we) thought before was incorrect. So why worship science? It's evolving like everything else.
The biggest reason I don't buy into atheism, however, is that when I look at the world, the universe, matter, I see order, not chaos. Which makes me think there's an intelligence operating, or appearing to operate, in everything that is. Look at cells in the body, electrons, protons, atoms, the planets, Kepler's Laws, gravity. Things attract each other, things repel each other. The organization of mathematics. Astronomy. The perfection of planetary orbits. As we discover smaller and smaller components of matter and break things down into their smallest parts, we're slowly learning that everything in the universe is connected. Everything. And even we, humans, the self-delusional detritus of the universe, are becoming marginally more intelligent and spiritually aware with every passing generation. Sure, we take a step backwards now and then (Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the Holocaust, 9/11, Abu Ghraib, Khmer Rouge), but on the whole, it's been forward motion. I mean, you don't see us engaging in medieval shit like TORTURE anymore, do you? Wait. Torture aside, this all suggests an infinite intelligence or force at work, not the absence of one.
But that's where I stop. I don't subscribe to the traditional view of God that exists in organized religion. The old man with a beard, controlling everything. Supporting certain football teams against others. Blessing certain countries but not others. Are you kidding me? I no longer subscribe to organized religion. It's all so... exclusionary, controlling, and slightly delusional. I'm not just talking Catholicism here. All religion. We were all born into this world made of the same stuff, mostly carbon and water. Religion, which is man-made and therefore, utterly flawed in my mind, was, for most people, cast upon us by our parents. Sure, there are exceptions, like born-agains. My point is, religion is an idea, a thought, that religious people, or members of the religion, decide to accept. Choose to accept. Call it doctrine, call it faith, call it whatever you want. At its core, it's an idea, a thought, a belief system, that was introduced to the person and they bought into it.
Religion is not what people are made of though. They're still made of mostly carbon and water. And if you're a Muslim today, living in Pakistan or Iran, and hating all Jews; or if you're an Israeli Zionist, living in the West Bank and hating all Arabs; or if you're an Evangelical Christian, living in Georgia, and hating everyone who's not an Evangelical Christian, the reality is, if any of you had been born in a different place, or to different parents, of a different religion, then more likely than not, YOU would be of that religion. So why be hatin'? Can you see how flawed this is? I just can't buy it anymore. I'd rather find my own way.
Let's get back to the Pope. He's here, and I couldn't be more ambivalent about it. He seems like a nice enough guy. He's genial, polite, even a bit shy, this one. He's saying the right things, apologizing for that nasty child abuse scandal that continues to plague the Catholic Church in the United States. He met with some of the victims yesterday. It was the right thing to do, and he seems to have his heart in the right place. But is he the Vicar of Christ? Jesus' emissary on earth? The boss of all Catholics, of all Christians? No, the Pope is a man -- a holy man -- who won a political office. He's a politician, one like any other, though plainly more selfless and honorable and less pandering than the average politician. Pope Benedict XVI, like all Popes, is a former Roman Cardinal, who won a secret vote after Pope John Paul II died. On some level, it was a popularity contest.
So are we really supposed to believe that this man, the one designated as Jesus' new baton-carrier, obtains the title by being voted in by an elite oligarchy, in a process that most of the world -- including most Catholics -- is utterly clueless about? Did I miss something? Did Christ run for office when He was alive? To me, Mother Theresa, even with all her doubts, was more worthy of the title of Vicar of Christ than this Pope, or any other. She was in the shit, living and working among the poorest of the poor, tending to the sick and diseased for most of her life. She saw and lived the misery. What does the Pope do? He lives in a giant palace encrusted with gold. He's the head of his own State. He has his own army. Do you think Jesus would live in Vatican City if He was here? Do you think He'd roust Himself up an army? I don't.
Aside from the Pope, ask most Catholics about their religion and they are utterly clueless. They don't know why they perform the rituals they do. They don't know why certain church rules exist. They don't understand their own religion. Obviously, I'm basing this on my own limited experience, but I'll tell you, I don't think I'm far off. Ask a Catholic: Why can't women be priests? Why can't priests be married? Why can't you eat meat on Friday during Lent? What is the actual SOURCE of these requirements? Who laid down these "laws," and are they, or should they be, required? Did Jesus mandate this? I ain't a Bible-thumper, but I don't recall seeing any such requirements in the New Testament, or the Old one for that matter. So where does it come from? I'm betting the answers have little to do with religious doctrine and much more to do with controlling women and promoting the fishing industry. Just one man's opinion.
What annoys me even more, though, is how selective many Catholics are about church doctrine. Certain tenets of Catholicism are non-negotiable. Catholics are supposed to be pro-life, anti-death penalty, antiwar, except under very very limited circumstances (the "Just War" theory), anti-contraception, and anti-sex before marriage. Let me say it again: You are not supposed to have sex until you get married. That's a requirement, kids, not an option. Raise your hand if you know any Catholic virgins over the age of 17. Ask any Catholic if he or she believes in ALL of these things, and what you'll hear is that they like some stuff but not others. Maybe they're pro-life and believe that life starts at conception (another Catholic doctrine), but if some piece of human waste kills someone, they'll say in the same breath that he should fry in the electric chair. "An eye for an eye!" Such inconsistent thinking is wholly improper under Catholic doctrine, but most Catholics -- Cafeteria Catholics is what they're called -- couldn't care less. Theirs is a self-selected religion of convenience. I know this because I used to be one of them. I grew up Catholic, went to a Catholic college and attended a Catholic law school. Did I believe everything in Catholic dogma? No. That's the biggest reason I got out.
Exactly when did religion become a buffet? How do you call yourself Catholic or Jewish or Muslim if you only pick and choose the stuff you like and throw away the stuff that you don't like? "Thou shalt not kill" is pretty universal, pretty non-negotiable, to the monotheistic religions. So why are Christians, Muslims, and Jews responsible for most of the killing that goes on in the world? How is such killing ever justified? It's not. But see if that stops a suicide bomber. Or a born-again President from letting loose a war that kills hundreds of thousands of people. Or Israeli assassinations of Palestinian political leaders and wanton assaults on civilians in the occupied territories. Guess they didn't get Allah's memo.
Just the other day, I heard some jackass on a political show try to argue that if He were back on Earth, Jesus would SUPPORT the death penalty. The sheer stupidity of that statement fairly sums up my view of organized religion today. And while it may sound like I'm bashing Catholics in this little entry of mine, in reality, it's addressed to the other ones too. There is no more or less hypocrisy in the Catholic religion than any other. Indeed, had I been raised Jewish or Muslim, or Rastafarian, for that matter, I would have extrapolated on one of them instead.
The bottom line is, we all came from the same place, we're all going to the same place. Enough with the human-created divisions, exclusions, and hypocrisy. I know I've had enough.
