Cue up "The Super Bowl Shuffle," folks, the Chicago Bears are going back to the Big Show after 21 years. I was actually hoping for a replay of the 1986 Super Bowl, but alas, the Patriots exhausted their good fortune in Indianapolis tonight, and it will be the Colts playing the Bears, not the Patriots. I'm happy for Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy, both of whom are class guys. Unfortunately, I will be rooting against them pursuant to my patented Sportsfan Prime Directive: when faced with a playoff or championship match in which I have no particular affinity for either team, I always root for the underdog. No exceptions. If I don't have a stake in either team, I'm going with the one no one expects to win. That's just how I roll. Accordingly, my Super Bowl prediction is: Bears: 31
Colts: 28
Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl, however, I would like to request that the victor be banned from giving any thanks to God, Jesus Christ, Allah, or any other appellation of our Creator. The Holy Spirit has told me that God doesn't give two quasars about who wins the Super Bowl or any other sporting event. Indeed, He cares no more about these modern games than He cared about Pok-a-tok, the Mayans' deadly version of soccer, where the winners got to decapitate a leading player or the head coach of the losing team. Talk about sudden death. (Rim shot) The reason? Because they believed that the gods had "fated" his death and the only way to keep the crops a-growin' and the good times a-flowin' was to sacrifice the loser.
See what happens when you mix sports and religion?
