Tina & Amy

In case you missed it, here are two of my favorite female comedians, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, doing Sarah and Hillary last night. Nicely done, ladies.

The Shire Has Spoken

Oh, you pundits thought you knew it all. Huck & Obamer got it locked up, you said. They're ahead in the New Hampshire polls, you said. Hillary's done, you said. All that cryin' the other day won't save her, you said.

Well, I feel sorry for you know-it-alls. Because NONE of you understand New Hampshire. None of you get it. New Hampshire has a mind of its own. New Hampshire does what it wants. New Hampshire has balls of granite and doesn't care what anyone thinks. Take a look at New Hampshire on a map. It's a raised middle finger extending from a balled fist. New Hampshire is a big "fuck you" to the world. Up there, they say "Live Free or Die" and they MEAN it.

And so it was that old blood n' guts John McCain and that "polarizing" woman everyone loves to hate, Hillary Clinton, came back from the dead to win the 2008 New Hampshire primary. A few months ago, McCain was the captain of a sinking ship. He was losing advisors by the day and dangerously short on cash. He supported the surge in Iraq when everyone else was calling for a pull-out (warrus interruptus). Many thought he would quit. But he didn't. Instead, he held on by his septagenarian fingernails and waited for New Hampshire. New Hampshire LOVES John McCain. They love his maverick mentality. They love his independent thinking. And they love his sincerity. McCain beat Bush in New Hampshire in 2000. (New Hampshire despises the Bushes, most likely because they summer in Maine.). Who was going to beat him this time? Romney? Please. McCain is the only tolerable Republican running. New Hampshire understands this and rewarded him accordingly. If only the rest of the country saw things the same way.

Hillary's huge win tonight was far more surprising, though. I have to admit, I didn't expect it. I know they love Bubba up there, but Hills?? Just yesterday, she was down double-digits in the polls, and Obamer was way ahead. But she got a little verklempt yesterday at a cafe in Portsmouth (my birthplace, no less), and I think it helped. Sure, if you're like my mother, who coughs up bile every time Hillary's name is mentioned, you think Hill's tears were "made up," "contrived," and part of a calculated political strategy. You think she woke up yesterday morning and planned the whole thing ahead of time. "I'm going to get teary today and show all those stupid voters that I'm actually a human being. Maybe that will get me some new votes!" Mmmm, yeah. That makes sense. She must be one great actress alright.

To people who hate Hillary Clinton, she could put a bullet through Osama Bin Laden's head while stopping a nuclear missile with her free hand, and they'd think it was all a political ploy to get herself elected. I think most people have lost any sense of objectivity when it comes to her. Yeah, too often, she comes off sounding like a programmed robot. Yeah, she's ambitious. Yeah, she can sound a little shrill sometimes. But for crying out loud, look at the moron we have in office right now, and all his foibles. He can barely put a sentence together, and people just laugh it off, as if illiteracy and inarticulateness are endearing idiosyncracies. I guess it's okay to have negative qualities, as long as you come off looking or sounding more stupid than the people criticizing you. P.S., John Edwards has been ranting and raving about evil corporations like Yosemite Sam for nearly a year, and no one calls HIM shrill or a bitch. I guess it's because he has a penis.

There's a bit of a double-standard going on here, and it seems unfair to me that Hillary Clinton has been saddled with so much baggage when it's Bubba who fucked around and got impeached, not her, and where other people running for office do similar things and take no flak for it. Say what you want about her personality, but she's smart, competent, and cares about this country. So she wants to be president, maybe wants it a little too much. So fucking what? So does every other a-hole running, except for maybe Fred Thompson, who looks and sounds as if he needs a nap every time I see him. (Why is he even in the race? He understands this isn't a Law and Order rehearsal, doesn't he?)

I believe Hills really thinks she can make a difference for this country, otherwise, she's putting up with a whole rash of personal b.s. for nothing. How fun it must be to be told every five seconds that the whole country hates your guts. If you don't like her personality, that's fine, but people voted for Bushie because they thought he was a fun guy you could have a beer with, unlike Gore and Kerry, who were too stiff and unlikeable. Look how great that worked out. How many dead in Iraq? Are those Katrina trailers still sitting in Oklahoma? Maybe a sparkling personality isn't as important as intelligence and competence when it comes to choosing a President. Maybe it's time we learned that little lesson in this country. Do you think that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, two of our greatest presidents, had great personalities? Do you think they were photogenic? No and no. Neither of them could get elected today. Andrew Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt? Total hardasses. FDR? Too rich and too crippled from polio. Could never get elected today. Truman? Too simple and too ignorant. All of them were standout Presidents. New Hampshire, which takes its primary more seriously than you could imagine, gets it. That's why it picked McCain over Bush in 2000. That's why it picked McCain and Clinton tonight. Screw the pundits, the evangelicals, the left-wing tree-huggers, who's going to make a good President?

This isn't an endorsement for Hills (and certainly not for McCain). I like Obamer a lot -- he's an inspiring candidate and an amazing speaker. He's got the vision thing down. I'm just waiting to see the beef. I even kind of, almost, maybe like the finely-coiffed Edwards and his populist message. All of them are tolerable to me. I just think Hills is getting a raw deal from people, and I don't think it's fair.

But tonight, as with Bubba in 1992, she was given new life by the voters of the Shire, and no one expected it. Put the lights back on, this race is far from over.

Demagoguery

Demagogue: a leader who makes use of popular prejudices and false claims and promises in order to gain power

-- Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I must say that the amount of b.s. being thrown around by the presidential candidates in this early stage of the '08 election season has even me astounded. I mean they REALLY think we're stupid. Really, truly, and verily. On the left, we've got Hillary, who, to her credit, understands she's widely disliked and is desperate to do something about it. Unfortunately, it's not too easy to get rid of high negative approval ratings, just ask Georgie Porgie. People think she's too dour, too calculated, and too premeditated. Apparently, it's okay if you want to be President, just don't act like you want it too much. It turns people off. We like our Presidents to be lukewarm in their ambitions. Not too hungry. We don't much like intellectuals either. Don't want know-it-all smarty pants like Al Gore and John Kerry running the country. No, we like Presidents you can sit down and have a beer with. Presidents who use nicknames. C+ students. So Hillary, who is actually kinda smart, has a lot of work to do to dumb herself down for us. First order of business, she's gotta lighten the hell up. Smile a lot more. And laugh at anything and everything, like a happy-go-lucky cuckoo bird who's in on a joke that no one else understands.

Looks like she's off to a great start:



Sheesh. Tone it down, Hill! It's not that fucking funny. And you don't need to work so hard to come across as likeable. We're so fed up with mediocrity, cronyism, and baldfaced lies in the White House that even someone as unlikeable as you has a sporting chance to be President. Just keep talkin' smart and shit.

On the right it's WAY worse. First we've got Mitt "I never met a position I didn't like" Romney, who has flip-flopped more times than a suffocating trout. When he ran for governor of the Liberal State of Massachusetts, he was decidedly pro choice, in favor of gay rights and pro-gun control. He also supported a universal health care program in Massachusetts that became a model for other states. Mmmmm, might be why he won. But now ole Mittie's running for President, so he has to appeal to rednecks, evangelicals, and rich people, i.e. hard-core Republicans. All of a sudden, Mr. Helmet Hair is pro life, against gay rights, and loooooves firearms! Universal health care? That's for commies like Hillary. He's even said he wants to open a few more Guantanamo Bays. Niiiice. Torture and imprisonment without due process fits in nicely with those Mormon values, don't they Mitt? The guy's a joke. I hope he gets the nomination so I can buy myself 10 pairs of flip-flops to whip at his perfectly coiffed head.

Ah, but Mitt's not even the worst one. Mr. 9/11 himself, Rudolph Giuliani, has him beat hands down. The following is a summary of Rudy's election strategy:

9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.

And oh yeah, don't forget 9/11. That's Rudy's platform. Iraq? Don't fucking ask him about Iraq! Irrelevant. There are terrorists there and that's all you need to know. Health care? What's that? You want to give universal health care to terrorists??? Shame on you. Energy alternatives? Global warming? A Palestinian State? WTF is wrong with you people? No, no, no, childrens. It's all about the TERRORISM!!! You need to keep your eye on the ball. Have you forgotten 9/11 already? Let Uncle Rudy remind you. Get up on his lap and let him tell you a little story about a day they call 9/11.

9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.

Jesus, the guy is as cynical as they come, and his transparent use of the 9/11 tragedy to get elected is pathetic and obscene. But he knows it's the only thing he's got going for him, so he's workin' it y'all. I mean, if red meat Republicans start focusing on his liberal policies as mayor -- strongly pro gay rights, pro choice, pro gun control -- he's dead in the water. And if all three African-American Republican voters review Rudy's record on race when he was Mayor, they won't like what they see. So with Rudy, it's a snake oil strategy of fear mongering, 9/11, and terrorism. Think you know something about terrorism? You don't know shit. You weren't there, walking through the dust like Rudy was. You have no RIGHT to express an opinion on it. Only Rudy does. That's right Rudy, make 'em all poop their pants with fear to get elected. It worked in '04, didn't it? An awful lot of people are still buying it.

Maybe we are stupid after all.

I mean, look at how people reacted to the ridiculous MoveOn.org ad that came out a few weeks ago about General Petraeus. Here it is. The backstory is that Bush is so weak politically, in order to defend his war policy, he had to send out a well-liked and respected general to uh, smooth out the facts for him with the American people. Put some glossy lipstick on a pig, so to speak. The surge is working, we're making progress, etc. Well, MoveOn.org called Bush and Petraeus out on it in their ad, suggesting that he was "betraying us" with his testimony.

Awwwwww sheeyit.

Judging from the self-serving, hyperbolic indignation that we heard from Republicans immediately after the ad came out, you would have thought someone took a dump on an American flag on the Capitol steps. "Condemn the MoveOn.org ad!" they demanded of every chicken-necked Democrat they could find. Deep down though, the Pubs were happy because they had something they could use to distract voters from their position on the war. When Hillary suggested during Petraeus' hearing that his testimony about how well things were going in Iraq required a willing suspension of disbelief, Rudy 9/11 pounced! He demanded an "apology" from Hillary, not just to the general, but to all the American troops. He accused her of "turning her back" on America's soldiers "just when our troops need all our support to finish the job." He said she was "joining with" Moveon.Org and "attacking" General Petraeus.

Can I sell ya some snake url?

It's amazing, it really is. What they think we'll believe. They don't want to talk about the Iraq War and how bad it's going, so they will jump on anything to change the subject. But a political ad? Even that surprised me. Query: why the fuck should anyone apologize for, or condemn, a political ad that they were not responsible for creating? And as Michael Kinsley appropriately points out in this week's Time, if Rudy 9/11 is suggesting that it's wrong for a Senator to express skepticism about anything said by a general in uniform, then he doesn't understand how a democracy works.

Seriously, the hypocrisy here is nauseating. This absurdly fake umbrage is brought to you by the same people who had no problem with the ads that "swift boated" two decorated Vietnam War veterans, John Kerry and Max Cleland, a few years ago, when they were running for office.

Don't know what I'm talking about? I'll let my buddy Bill splain it to you:


It's demagoguery, folks. Like the snake oil salesmen of old, who were trying to get your dollar by promising the ignorant and naive the fountain of youth, today's charlatans are trying to get our votes with political shell games, lies, and misdirection. Why do they do it? Because it works.

So..... how stupid are we going to be this time? That's a lot of snake oil out there. A lot of bridges to buy.