FF - Attention Walmart Shoppers a/k/a Why I Shop Online

It's that time of year again: Christmastime!!! A time for gathering with family, nestling next to an open fire (or air conditioner, in these days of global warming) with your loved ones, drinking egg nog and reminiscing about Christmases past. It's also a time for SHOPPING for that special someone on your Christmas list. And no one does shopping, no one does CHRISTMAS shopping better than America. With Christmas ads now bombarding our airwaves as early as Halloween, here in America, we can't effing WAIT for the buying to start! Think the economy is a problem? No. Friggin'. Way.

Check this shit out from Black Friday 2009:



Just look at these animals (enjoy the slo-mo and keep an eye out for the lady whose wig falls off)!



Ah, the holidays, how I love them so.

FF - To the Ping Pong Victor Go the Spoils

I love ping pong. One of my fondest memories of childhood is playing against my father on our old ping pong table in the garage. It had as many dead spots as the old Boston Garden. Dad pulled no punches. He had a special paddle he'd been using since college. One side was sandpaper, the other was rubber. Dad played me hard and forced me to win on my own merit. That took several years. When I finally did beat him, this is how it felt:



Have a great weekend everyone!

FF - Why Doesn't This Ever Happen on the J/M/Z?

Gonna post something substantive real soon, but for today's FF, I ask, why this get-naked-on-the-subway fun doesn't ever happen on MY train?



It's been so damn hot in New York lately, I'm seriously thinking about doing this myself, just to cool off.

FF - Slip N' Slide

Shee-yit. It's f'n August and I haven't been to the beach ONCE this summer. Except for that trip to Montauk in June. What the hey?? I actually prefer the beach in winter when everyone's freezing their tits off, but still, I can't believe the summer is almost gone and I haven't ventured to the beach at all.

Which regret has spawned daydreams of summers past, when I was carefree and had all the time in the world. Remember Slip N' Slide? Just a thin sheet of plastic with some water on it for you to slide on. Watch out for those rocks! Lay that baby down on the wrong part of the lawn, and you'll have a raspberry on your boo-tox through Christmas. And they were always too short, like 10 yards and that's it. The world craved more!

In memory of the Slip N' Slide and endless summers past, for today's FF, I present a video or two of people showing some SNS love.

For these first two, you really have to love American ingenuity. Why go out and buy some fancy expensive yellow plastic when you can make your own in privacy of your own abode?



This one is borderline insane but looks fun as hell.



This one's for the boys (ahhhhh summer).



This one I so WANT to believe is real.



This last one is just stupid. And that's where we'll leave it.

FF - Craig Ferguson/White Lines

There is arguably nothing funnier than lip syncing to 80s classics with puppets. Extra points if it's to a song that many of us danced to in our spiked hair, parachute pants and Reebok hightops. Kudos to Linda for bringing this to my attention.



Oh man, did I need a laugh. Have a good weekend, everyone.

FF, Part Deux - MJ/Iran Mashup

Okay, this one actually made me smile.



Bringing cutting edge news issues together, for your viewing pleasure. It's what I do.

FF - Thriller

I tried to get a laugh out of myself by watching this video again, something millions of people have seen on YouTube, and one that I've posted before. It had the opposite effect. Maybe it'll work for you.

FF - Love, Jacques Chirac Style

For today's FF, I present you with a version of love, Jacques Chirac style. Monsieur Chirac has always been known as a ladies' man. A shameless flirt. A cad, if you will. He's admitted to several affairs and loving other women "discreetly." His wife of 53 years knows about these shenanigans, and for some inexplicable reason, has stayed with him. Must be love. Or something. Watch how, in the following cringe-worthy video, Jacques openly flirts with a (not attractive) blonde while his wife gives a speech right in front of him (them).



I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

FF - Liberty the Iraq War Mascot

This video is all kinds of wrong on the Friday before Memorial Day, but it's funny as hell, so I'm going with it.


Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Sometimes, in a miserable situation, you can choose to either laugh or cry.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone, and make sure you take a moment to think of the all men and women in our armed forces who have served and died on our behalf, from the Revolutionary War to Iraq and Afghanistan.

FF - Dane Cook Appetizer

Yes, I'm a bit late on the FF this week, as loyal reader KLB duly pointed out. For today, we're going light and airy with Dane Cook, who I personally find hilarious. He uses a different kind of humor, one that is more situational without the typical punchline. Below are two very short clips from a special of his coming up this weekend. Enjoy!

Jokes.com
Dane Cook - Suicide Note
dians.comedycentral.com
Dane Cook Kool Aid Video More Dane Cook Videos Joke of the Day

Jokes.com
Dane Cook - Cell Phone Club
dians.comedycentral.com
Dane Cook Kool Aid Video More Dane Cook Videos Joke of the Day

FF - Cartman the Pirate

Ripped from today's headlines, for today's FF, I have two short clips offering South Park's take on the rash of piracy happening off the Somalian coast. Give it a few seconds to load, it's worth it.





Damn, I love that show. Good weekends, everyone!

FF - The Poisonous Queen

It's a rainy, foggy bottom day here in New York. Thick as cheese it is. Can't even see Madison Avenue from my office window. We city dwellers sure could use a laugh, a pick-me-up, a FRIDAY FUNNY, to get us out of the doldrums. Let's see...

I find fewer things more asinine than news reporters going on and on about the clothes the First Lady is wearing, describing them with breathless fascination, as if she's Angelina Jolie on the red carpet, doing catwalk turns on her way into the Oscars. (I actually find that stupid too.)

"The First Lady is wearing a mustard-colored dress with black fringe, designed by Hari Kamemberto, her hair is swept back to reveal white fondulac pearls from the Metazoan era, culled from Neanderthal oysters that were found in an underground cave in Malawi. Doesn't she look GOR-GEOUS???!!!" Ugh.

But wait. Let's turn this around and see if I like it any better when it's about my favorite person: Me.

Today, your blogger T. is sporting an eye-catching ensemble of Banana Republic khakis, tinged just the right shade of 40-something brown-beige, two utility pockets in back, two in front; and a navy blue V-neck sweater crafted by that edgy new designer who's all the rage with hip, young Angelenos on Melrose Avenue: J. CREW. Yes, that one. Underneath his sweater, T. bears a familiar staple, a black t-shirt, handstitched by longstanding American clothier The Gap, to mask that hairy chest of his. And finally, just LOOK at the ACCESSORIES T. has on today! A saddle-brown Armani belt I'm told he bought in London twelve years ago during a salesgirl flirtation gone awry. Rather than ask out the sexy strumpet he'd been chatting up for twenty minutes in a boutique clothing store, T. chickened out and, in a pathetic attempt to show he wasn't a total loser, purchased the overpriced Armani belt he's wearing today, one that will forever remind him of his remarkable gutlessness all those years ago. On his size 9 1/2 feet, T.'s got on a pair of John Varvatos/Converse hybrid canvas sneakers, colored a trendy military green. We don't know what undies he's got on, but rumor has it he's partial to black Calvin Klein boxer briefs with a button fly. Wink wink.

Nope. Still stupid.

Another thing I think is absurd is the overzealous, archaic protocol always accorded the Queen of England when dignitaries visit, as if she's an elevated form of human being deserving of special treatment. One would think we've moved beyond this medieval silliness, but apparently we haven't. Indeed, the talk of the town this past week was that Michelle Obama, Woman of the People, had committed a faux pas by, gasp!, TOUCHING the Queen. Oh, me oh my! Monkeys and jumping jacks! NOBODY TOUCHES THE QUEEN!

Here's Jon and John to address both issues with the mocking satire they deserve:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
The Poisonous Queen
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

FF - If Facebook Was Real

If you're like me, then you've gotten yourself a little addicted to Facebook. There are days when I could take it or leave it, but all too often, especially lately, I can't let ten minutes pass without logging on. It's cybercrack. Why? Well, for one, it's gotten me back in touch with people I haven't seen in nearly 30 years. Old grade school friends. Friends from my old supermarket days. Even my Italian cousins have gotten in on the action. And that's just fun. It doesn't have to go anywhere and usually doesn't, but there's something nice about reestablishing contact with people I grew up with, who knew me way back when, or with family I don't see very often, but I can now easily stay in touch with (and see their hot friends so's I can maximize that next visit, hee hee).

Of course, there are a handful of people who've attempted to "Friend" me that I could live without seeing again. I barely knew them then and I sure as hell don't need to know them now. And that's where today's FF comes in. This video captures what happens when Facebook fantasy meets real world reality.



Scary, isn't it? Some people are better kept at a safe electronic distance, wouldn't you agree? I should mention that this video was sent to me by a Facebook friend from my college days. Footnote to you, Maureen.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Late FF - Yet Another Reason Why I Love NY

Meant to get this out yesterday but I got a little busy at work. For the past 8 years, a group of people in my beloved city have engaged in a No Pants Subway Ride. I don't know how or why it started, I think it began with some Improv organization, but things like this just don't happen anywhere else. Over time the NPSR has grown from just a few people to over 1200. The most recent one took place a few days ago, on January 10th, on what was a pretty cold day here in Gotham.

Here's the video:



Bizarre, eh? The tourists looked a little nervous. Now I just have to decide whether to participate next year. The problem is they tend to do this on a work day and I can't exactly show up at work with no pants on, the economy being as lousy as it is, they're just looking for an excuse to shitcan people. Then again, if put my pants back on in Grand Central, maybe in a quiet little corner, who at my firm would be the wiser?

Hmmmmm.

FF - Vet Me From Hell to Breakfast

Those of us who supported Barack Obama in the recent election are seriously considering applying for jobs in the new administration. What an amazing thing it would be to work on behalf of our first black President and bring real change to America. The catch? There's a vetting process. You remember vetting, that thing that McCain didn't do with Sarah Palin? Vetting is necessary so that the candidate and his administration don't become embarrassed by any revelations about you or me that may come out later. Obama's a master of The Vetting and they're saying that his employment application is the most detailed, the most deep-cutting in history. I've heard there's even a body cavity search involved.

Here, Stephen Colbert shows us the vetting ropes, so we know what to expect:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Stephen's Vetting Process - Cliff Sloan Pt. 2

Ron Paul Interview
Bob Barr Interview

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

FF - Take On Me: Literally Reinterpreted

I'm headed to ol' Montan-y tomorrow to visit my college roommate and his wife and kids for the holiday weekend. (Since I don't have no wife and kids of my own, I sometimes lahks to visit other people's and live vicariously through dares.) As I won't be around tomorrow, I'm depositing my Friday Funnies submission a day early.

If you're like me, and you enjoy it when someone literally acts out the words to your favorite music, boy have I got a treat for you! What follows is a literal reinterpretation of one of my favorite 80s music videos, "Take On Me" by Norwegian band a-ha. For those of you born in 1984 or thereabouts, you were probably still mushing down baby cookies and filling up diapers when the original came out. Essentially, it's a nonsensical video story that played on comic books with an Alice in Wonderland twist. I didn't understand it back then, but I ignored that cuz the song was so catchy. This interpretation makes a hell of a lot more sense.



Kudos to the originators, Dustballs, which includes filmakers Dustin McLean and his wife Priscilla. Nicely done. Now let's see you do "Say, Say, Say" with Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Or "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. Yeah. Turn around bright eyes.

FF - Voter Abstinence

I know you're all hankerin' to know what I thought of last night's debate. Unfortunately, due to other commitments, I wasn't able to do a liveblog for that one. But I'll get to it this weekend. In the meantime, let's keep the Friday Funnies streak going. Here's a parody of those "Teen Talk" abstinence videos you may remember from high school, the ones where they tell young girls to stay away from sex until they're ready. This time, it's John McCain urging young people who are supporting Barack Obama in huge numbers that it's okay to LIKE a candidate, but you don't necessarily have to VOTE for him. (Be patient, Colbert does a little schtick first.)



Glad she was able to stand up to that peer pressure.

FF

It's a little early for Halloween and I'm not sure this qualifies for the Friday Funnies, but I couldn't help but share this ghost tale from CNN. Interesting what happens when technology and the occult cross paths. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more and more of this type of thing in the future.



Who knew that we'd need to work out our spirit pecs and glutes in the afterlife? Talk about a buzz kill.

FF

For today's installment of Friday Funnies, Stephen Colbert and Maria Bartiromo break this economic mess down for us. Take it away, Stephen!

FF

Been awhile since we did the Friday Funnies, so here's a little installment of John Stewart addressing the GOP's withering mockery of Obama's community service (which he performed 15 years ago, while they act like it's the only thing he's ever done). Enjoy!