Delinquent Thoughts

It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm feeling guilty, guilty because I haven't posted in over a week. I'm not proud of it. Not one bit. Too late to say anything deep or coherent tonight. Have to go with Plan B. The list. The list is life.

First, a word about this recession. Recession is a scary word that no one likes to use. It's the dark side of capitalism, when the good times end, black turns to red, and fear comes to dominate the collective psyche. Fear is everywhere right now. I've had three friends get laid off recently, or downsized, or rightsized -- whatever euphemism they're using for layoffs and pink slips these days. I've never seen it so bad. Then again, during the last bad recession we had, back in 1991, I was applying to law school, so I didn't feel the punch. By the time it ended, I'd graduated and it wasn't difficult to find work. It's interesting to see how much has changed since those heady days of 1998 and 1999 when people were rolling in cash and it seemed like happy days were here forever. Nothing lasts though. People forget. This recession won't either, so we'll all just have to ride it out. Easier said than done.

Eyes wide shut. I read a statistic the other day on one of those elevator trivia t.v.'s they have so that no person will have to experience mental peace and doing nothing for longer than a millisecond. It said that each year 1,500 Americans suffer eye injuries from cork releases, i.e., champagne bottles. That's a sickening number, truly and verily. So people, please: when you're out celebrating this holiday season and enjoying a bit of the bubbly, please PLEASE watch your eyeballs and point that cork where it's safe. Better yet, cover the fucker up with a dishtowel or somesuch. Common friggin' sense.

I'm really enjoying the following music at the moment: Guns N Roses (Street of Dreams), Fleet Foxes (He Doesn't Know Why), Blitzen Trapper (Black River Killer), Empire of the Sun (Walking on a Dream). The last one is quite catchy. You can't be in a bad mood after listening to it. I'm too tired to link anything or post a YouTube video, so just Google that shit. Do I have to do everything? [WEDNESDAY MORNING, SLIGHTLY MORE AWAKE REVISION: I ADDED THE LINKS. ENJOY].

Hillary as Secretary of State? Meh. I'd have gone in another direction. In fact, I'm a little perturbed by how many Clintonites are seeping into this Administration. Experience, fine, there's going to be some overlap. But he'd better watch himself or he's going to become More of the Same, at least with foreign policy. A friend of a friend who knows someone in the know told me that now that Obama got the inside, supersecret security briefings, he's not going to change shit with regard to Bush's wiretapping policy, torture, or the Patriot Act. I find that hard to believe. I guess we'll see. At a minimum, he'd better close Guantanamo, which is a national disgrace. I wouldn't mind seeing him end the idiotic Cuban embargo either. It makes no sense to me that we do business with China, Venezuela, North Korea, and Iraq, but we can't deal with Cuba. Talk about your Cold War relics, that archaic policy has got to go. Let's see if O-Man has the eggs to pull the trigger on it once and for all.

The auto industry bailout chaps my ass. I've been debating KG (who's from Michigan, enough said) on and off about this for a couple of weeks. No one wants to see auto workers unemployed, but while Toyota and Nissan saw the future and took the lead years ago building fuel efficient cars and hybrids, GM, Ford, and Chrysler were busy sucking the oil industry's co--, and building gas guzzling Hummers and SUVs. At the same time, they paid expensive lobbyists lots of money to keep Congress from raising mpg requirements. Now their cars aren't selling and they want a taxpayer handout? Screw them. Sadly, the Democrats are too beholden to this group and their unions to say no. Just watch, the Big Three will be back in six or eight or ten months asking for more money to flush down the turlet.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich wanted to put Obama's vacated Senate seat on eBay. Well, not literally. But he wanted to sell it to the highest bidder, the person who would give him the most money or power in exchange. Instead, all he's going to get in return is a jail sentence. Because, um, you're not allowed to do sell Senate seats for personal gain. But I have a more pressing issue: how does someone with the name Rod Blagojevich get elected to anything? Say it with me: Rod. Blagojevich. It sounds like a Russian sandwich. Enjoy prison, Rod. I can't tell which is stupider, your name, or that ridiculous, Koppelesque mop of hair on your head.

Speaking of prison, O.J. finally got his. He was convicted thirteen years to the day of his acquittal back in 1995. Better late than never, but shit, to the very day? That's just weird. At least Fred Goldman can take a vengeance day off now. Just one.

Psssst. My Boston Bruins, who have sucked aaaasssss for the better part of the past decade and who haven't won a Stanley Cup since I graduated from diaper use, are in first place and have one of the best records in the NHL. I can't even skate, but I do like hockey and have been waiting a long time for them to get good again. The Oakland Raiders, however, are another story entirely. I'll be collecting retirement before they get good again. Longer, if they keep Al Davis' brain in a jar after he dies and let him run the team.

Extra Credit Idiot Quiz: Please match the following moronic baby names to their narcissistic celebrity mothers. No cheating.

Bronx Mowgli

Sunday Rose

Zuma Nesta Rock

Honor Marie


Jessica Alba

Ashlee Simpson

Nicole Kidman

Gwen Stefani

Answers to be provided on a future edition of M-A. Or better yet, find them yourself. With Google. Go ahead, I give you permission now.

Last, but not least, here's a shout-out to my NYC readers: "seatless" subway cars are coming! Sick of old ladies and pregnant women running you over to grab a seat before you can get there? Well, in April 2009, some subway lines (probably the L and J/M/Z with my luck) are going to be testing cars with seats that fold up and stay locked during rush hour. This so they can cram 18% more sweaty cattle into the trains and, of course, gain more revenue. Money, money, money, it's the American way. Now if they could just do something about people with b.o. and those annoying Nextel phones.