There's A Splasher On The Loose

People, I have some scary news to report. Prepare yourselves. Sit down, if you must. Are you ready? Okay. There's a Splasher on the loose on the streets of New York. Yes, you heard me right. A Splasher. I know, I know, it's terrible news. He (or she) strikes at night, when everyone is asleep. Walking around, armed and dangerous, the Splasher stalks a suitable victim for days, waiting for the right moment, waiting until they're alone, with no one around.

That's when The Splasher strikes. He or she whips out that night's weapon of choice. Maybe it's a can of Pacer White SW 6098, Juneberry SW 6573, or Sapphire SW 6963. Lately, the Splasher has shown a penchant for Gulftream SW 6768, or so we think.

There are countless mysteries about The Splasher that have yet to be resolved. Why is he or she doing this, defacing beautiful street graffiti -- which is art as well, in my opinion -- with big, ugly, chaotic splotches of randomly chosen colors of paint? How did this graffiti war start? What is The Splasher's point? Does he (or she) favor Sherwin-Williams or Benjamin Moore? Why? People, we just don't know.

Here's what we do know. The Splasher's work is fugly and anarchist. (No, I didn't just say The Splasher is the Antichrist, read it slowly). As of late, he (or she) has been leaving a "Manifesto" at each crime scene, which contains an opaque message railing against something or other having to do with street art, capitalism, or whatever the fuck. Honestly, I can't understand what the hell Splasher's message is, maybe you can. Here's a copy of the Manifesto, which you can enlarge:


Wow, that's some real pseudo-intellectual shit there. Who the fuck is Dada and why would he/she/it support the wanton splotching of colorful street art that people actually enjoy looking at? Clearly, The Splasher is a person who really likes him (or her)self and, quite literally, wants to spew his or her narcissism all over the place for the world to see.

Here are some images of Splasher's recent victims, who are now horribly disfigured. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.




Sadly, this story recently hit home because, and this is hard for me to say, The Splasher is now hunting victims in my neighborhood, Williamsburg. Yes, Splasher's operating right here in the 'Burg, defacing street art, some of which I had previously posted on Flickr. Here's one I took of that dear old friend of mine, Uncle Sam:



Look how The Splasher massacred my boy (pic is not mine):



Here's what the bastard (or bitch) did to the painting of the beautiful woman I took a picture of a few weeks ago (first pic is mine; "after" pic is from Curbed):





Pretty disturbing stuff, I know. I hope you didn't eat breakfast before viewing these.

There are numerous other examples of Splasher's sick handiwork in the 'Burg, which have been carefully documented by fellow 'Burger i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin' For more Splasher-related pictures, go here.

New York-centric media also have been covering this story for months. We gotta story on Curbed; we gotta story on Gothamist; we gotta story in the Village Voice; and we even gotta story in the New York Times. Whew Splasher, you are bigtime, my brother! (Or sister).

In this age of terrorism, you will not be surprised to learn that this story of graffiti run amok has just gone national. I woke up this morning to see a story about The Splasher posted on MSNBC, via The Washington Post.

Everyone's wondering, just Who Is The Splasher???? Recent speculation has it that this is just another instance of guerilla marketing gone overboard, that some corporate lackey is being paid a few bucks every week to deface street graffiti, which is not legal property, to get some free "underground" advertising. One company in particular, who I am not going to name here for fear of giving them even more free exposure, is under suspicion, because ad postings mentioning this company have been found near The Splasher's recent defacements, untouched.

Folks, if you haven't noticed, it's getting harder and harder for corporate America to get into your heads. Billboards and neon signs just aren't cutting it anymore. This is why they have to resort to stupid marketing ploys like the ATHF fiasco a few weeks ago in Boston and now, possibly, this absurdity in New York. This is what it takes to get through to you. It's your own fault.

And if The Splasher really is an individual acting alone, a selfish, puerile, Mommy-didn't-hug-me-enough, narcissistic, attention starved, I-used-to-pee-my-bed-and-sometimes-still-do, wannabe artist who can't make it in the real art world, buddy, get some fucking therapy. No one wants to look at your pathetic excuse for a "statement." Enjoy your 15 minutes.

Down to the Wire

Got him, don't got him!

Given the utterly pathetic year my beloved Oakland Raiders are having (please play for that Number 1 draft pick and don't win another game, you morons!), I've followed the Red Sox negotiations with Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka with great interest. D-Mat is supposedly the best pitcher in Japan right now, and Boston agreed to pay a whopping $51.1 million posting fee to his Japanese team, the Seibu Lions, just to talk to D-Mat-san. Now they are trying to finalize a six-year deal with D-Mat's representative, the real Devil's Advocate, the inimitable, super sports agent Scott Boras.

Mr. Boras is a balls-to-the-wall negotiator, and truly good at what he does. This is why he got A-Rod a ridiculous contract worth $252 million from the Texas Rangers a few years ago -- the most lucrative contract ever for a baseball player. This is why he just made Boston bid against itself (a real "no no" in any negotiation) and make two offers to his client without having received a counteroffer first. Boras is taking the justifiable position that the sizable posting fee Boston has offered to pay is utterly irrelevant to the value of his client. It is therefore no surprise that in true Boras fashion, the negotiations, which had a window of 30 days, are now down to the wire. The final deadline is 1 day, 11 hours from now. Earlier, if you include Boston's non-negotiable demand that D-Mat take a physical in Boston before a deal is finalized.

For their part, Boston is so serious about these negotiations that two-thirds of their brain trust flew out to L.A. yesterday, unsolicited, on owner John Henry's private plane to make another offer to D-Mat and meet with him personally. Boras, in another lovely stroke, has consistently refused to give them with personal access to D-Mat until a deal is done. Boras is threatening to have his client walk and go back to Japan if his number isn't met. D-Mat would then wait another year and do this all over again next year, when his worth will be much higher (assuming he doesn't suck it up this year or hurt himself), now that Boston has set the bar on his value. The nightmare scenario is that he signs with the Yankees next year for $800 million and a box of Reggie bars.

The wild card in all this? D-Mat's clearly stated desire to play in the major leagues this year, and his perception in Japan, where he has already said all his goodbyes, and where it is considered dishonorable to pursue money as a goal in itself. He is going to look pretty foolish if he goes back to Japan at this point, particularly when Boston has agreed to pay such a high fee to his former baseball team and is also offering to pay him a higher salary than has ever been paid to a Japanese player in Major League Baseball, including Ichiro and Matsui. Oh and the Seibu Lions are really counting on that $51.1 million, none of which they will receive if D-Mat fails to sign with Boston.

We're down to the wire, pee-pull. A deal needs to get done within hours, to give D-Mat enough time for the required physical, or D-Mat goes back to Japan and Boston starts looking at other options, including one Mr. Roger Clemens. Reports I have read say that Boston & Boras are $3 million/year apart. Boston's second offer is reported to be $8 million/year for six years, and D-Mat (Boras) reportedly countered at $11 million/year, for six years. One has to believe that if they are this close, something will happen, but these are the Red Sox, so anything is possible.

High drama. I'm cueing up "Tessie" by the Dropkick Murphys and crossing my fingers.

This is T. reporting live from his office in New York. More news at 11.

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SPECIAL NEWS REPORT -- BREAKING NEWS

We interrupt this blog entry with a special news report. "Tessie" by the Dropkick Murphys has worked once again. D-Mat or Dice-K or the Dice-Man -- whateveryouwanttocallhim has a preliminary agreement with the Boston Red Sox that will pay him $52 million over six years, plus escalation incentives. D-Mat flew cross-country with the Red Sox brass today, landing in Boston for the first time in his life.


Konichiwa, Dice-Man. Welcome to Boston. You have no idea what you are in for, my friend.

In slightly bigger news, the Red Sox also held a news conference today announcing the signing of one Julio Lugo, he of the concrete hands on defense and slightly above average bat.

This fulfills Boston's inexplicable obsession with this guy. I don't get it, but maybe he'll show me something. I think they are trying to form a team comprised entirely of David Ortiz's friends.

And in even BIGGER NEWS, Boston FINALLY signed backup catcher Doug Mirabelli!




Print up the World Series tickets, baby!

Are You Ready For Some Foot-ball??!!!

"Look how they massacred my boy."
-- Don Corleone

Yankee$ 12, Red Sox 4
Yankee$ 14, Red Sox 11
Yankee$ 13, Red Sox 5
Yankee$ 8, Red Sox 5
Yankee$ 2, Red Sox 1

No Vaseline.

Let's face it - you're not going to beat the Yankee$ with mediocre pitching and no clutch hits. And with no Wakefield, no Clement, no Varitek, and with Timlin pulling his "Wile E. Coyote v. Road Runner" act. (Will this guy please retire already? Thanks for the memories - here's your gold watch.)

Still, they should have won three of these games. Coulda shoulda woulda - irrelevant. There are 40 games left, but I'm thinking it's time to focus on the Raiders, my football team of choice. Even if the Sox make the playoffs, it's going to be a quick visit. Let's take the higher draft pick. And I still think Theo made the right move holding on to prospects. This was a rebuilding year, and they overachieved for half the season.

Oh and as for the Yankee$, they're not remotely as good as this ass-pounding they gave Boston over the weekend would attest. Their All-$tar Robo-lineup notwithstanding, they don't have the pitching to go very far, and I still say Detroit and Chicago are the teams to beat in the AL.