Drill, Baby, Drill!

T. here, reporting live from the floor of the Republican National Convention. I'd like to share with you a few of my favorite moments from the kum-ba-ya fest that's going on here in St. Paul:

1. Governor Sarah Palin's speech. Ooooh, red meat. I love's me the red meat. What better way to deflect attention away from your inexperience and lack of a plan for the economy than by attacking the "liberal elite" and mocking the man who more than half of the country is currently supporting. Give 'em hell, Sarah! She sounded like someone running for school board president, not Vice President of the country. But I hear she's getting high praise for her speech. Some are calling it reminiscent of Ronald Reagan. Oh me, oh my, the spin, the SPIN!!! We'll see how she does during the VP debate when she'll be flying without a teleprompter.

2. Rudy 9/11. Man, this guy gets nastier and nastier every time I hear him speak. For him, a guy who based his entire presidential campaign and post-political career on profiting from one of this country's greatest tragedies, to criticize ANYONE for pursuing political office for selfish reasons, is laughable. I actually used to respect the guy, but now, the sight of him gives me dry heaves. He is insincerity personified. To his credit, he did wait until 2/3 of the way through his speech to bring up 9/11. As he stood in front of a beautiful New York backdrop during sunset. Of course, it wasn't midtown they showed. It was downtown, so you could see the empty space where the Twin Towers used to be. Nice touch. Real subtle-like.

3. The Hottest Governor From The Coolest State. Delegates were actually wearing pins that said this. Sexist much? Dang that Palin is making HUGE strides for women. Here's to you, ladies! When's the swimsuit competition?

4. Drill, Baby! Drill! Yes, I heard Republicans chanting this on the convention floor. They want us to drill for oil, environment be damned! Drill in Alaska! Drill off the coast of Florida! Drill in your backyard! Drill in mine! Gasoline costs are through the roof and they want us to keep injecting the oil needle into our thick, blue vein. They sound like drug dealers cajoling us into another hit. "Just one more, baby, c'mon! You know you like it! Drill, Baby, Drill!" You think this party is going to get us off of foreign oil? Riiiiight. We'll be wearing oxygen tanks first.

5. Mitt's speech. Mitt Romney gave a great speech tonight. For 1984. Liberal this, tax that, America's the greatest country in the world. Annnnnd, that's a wrap! I thought I fell into a time warp for a second there. I also think he forgot that the Republicans have controlled the Presidency for the last eight years and Congress for six of the last eight. So WTF are you talking about? I'm quite pleased we don't have to hear from Guy Smiley for another 4 years, at least.

6. They've got nothing to say. Nothing on the economy. Nothing on foreign policy. Nothing for the future. They have no plans, no new ideas, no goals for this country. It's more of the same. So what do they do? They mock and tear down the other side. When the Democrats do it, they're called "The Angry Left." When Republicans do it, it's perfectly fine.

7. Speaking of The Angry Left... Georgie called us out last night, called us the "Angry Left." Fuck yeah, we're angry. Angry about an incompetent President, a senseless war, billions of wasted tax dollars and dead Americans and Iraqis, lobbyists controlling power in this country, an energy policy that's driving us to extinction, and a fucked up health care system. Most of all, we're angry about a political leadership that is doing NOTHING to fix these problems because they're too busy playing whack-a-mole with each other. So yes, we're angry.

But not as angry as Rudy Guiliani. Someone give that dude a lollipop. Or better yet, a high colonic. Get all that bile out.

8. I have now memorized every second of John McCain's captivity in Vietnam. Give it to the Republicans, not a single speaker in the past two days left the stage without walking us through "John's Story." I actually heard Fred "boop boop" (that's the sound from Law & Order) Thompson talk about how the Vietnamese knocked out McCain's teeth "at the gums." McCain's a hero, okay, I get it. John Kerry had three purple hearts and was running against a man who DODGED service (unless you count ten minutes of working on planes on U.S. soil "service"), and no one gave a fuck. Actually, it was worse than that. The right wing tried its best to turn those purple hearts into a deceitful lie. Now we're supposed to award McCain the Presidency because of his service? Idontthinkso. He's a perfectly decent Senator. That's reward enough.

9. Lieberman. Et tu, Joe? Two years ago (when he was trying to get re-elected), he was singing Obama's praises. Now, Obama's not fit to lead. What a difference two years makes. Just ask Sarah Palin.

I'm glad these conventions are over. I've gotta start writing about something else.