Christmas Croozin'

Love... it's exciting and new...
Come aboard! We're expecting you...

So where the hell is T.? you may be asking. (Maybe not). Does he think we were so entertained by his entry on the shoe throwing incident that he thinks he can get away with not writing for a week? The reason for my latest absence (and the next one) is that instead of running the Christmas gauntlet this year, my family and I decided to chuck the gift-giving rat race and use the money we otherwise would have spent on each other for a family cruise. We even brought along K., since today's her __th birthday (it's a special one), and she routinely gets screwed on the celebration due to Christmas coming three days later.

So.... while many of your are freezing your asses off, I'm literally sailing on the Love Boat. It's got the very same symbol on the top of the ship that I remember seeing back when Charo and Tom Bosley were roaming these hallowed halls. And by ship, I mean, this boat is a floating planet. It's f'n huge and has a casino, movie theater, three pools, a gym, tennis court, and cyber golf course, among other things. We left San Juan, Puerto Rico yesterday and are going to hit Barbados, St. Thomas, Antigua, and Tortola before going back to Puerto Rico (then New York) next Sunday. Are you ready to punch me yet? Good.

I didn't think I was going to get out of New York on Friday. A big snow storm hit on the same day I was flying out and I thought for sure my flight would be canceled. But no, I only had to sit on the plane for 3 hours before we took off. A small price to pay, I think, for being free of the misery that is a Northeast winter. In fact, it's amazing to me how much of a high warm weather and waves and sun and palm trees can provide in less than 12 hours. It's like we're on a different planet. And much like E.T., I'm not sure I want to go home.

A few words about cruising, since this is my very first one and I didn't know what to expect.

There aren't as many cheesy people here as I thought there would be. Perhaps that's because I expected the worst. Yes, there are a few jean short and mullet types; they're just not predominant.

Lots of teenagers here. Lots of them. It's mildly annoying. The girls aren't old enough to hit on, but they look like they could be. Default position: leave them alone.

I slept like a baby in a cradle last night. Seriously, there is something about how the boat rocks you to sleep when it's floating in the water that's like being a baby in a cradle. I haven't slept this well in years. I was wide awake this morning and even went to the gym before noon. That never happens.

The rooms are small, tiny, cavelike holes. On the upside though, once you pay for the cruise, you can eat like a pig, as much as you like, for as long as you like. And plenty of people here are. It's funny what people will do when it's all-you-can-whatever.

Christmas in warm weather is just plain strange. Relaxing, beautiful, and habituating, but strange. Christmas is meant for cold weather in my book. I'm listening to Christmas songs coming from the atrium right outside this Internet Cafe right now, and it doesn't feel right. It's not the same. That said, I had a great day in the sun with a book and my iPod today, so I don't really care. In other words, I could reeeaaaalllly get used to this.

No Blackberry or cell phone service. I could reeeaaaalllly get used to this.

This is my first vacation with my entire family in 30 years. Literally. The last time we traveled together was to Italy in 1979, and it sucked so bad, we haven't done it since. So far, so good, but it's early.

As far as (temporary) romantic prospects, it's a bit of a wasteland here. Nearly everyone is coupled up, over 55, or under 21. Not my demographic sweet spot, to say the least. So while the Love Boat may not lead to love for me, as it did for so many celebrities back in the 70s, I'm getting a damn good tan, finishing a few books, taking some pictures, and enjoying the ride.

I'm a LITTLE bummed that I haven't seen Julie McCoy anywhere, though. Ah Julie, wherefore art thou? Your 40 year-old commitment phobe beckons. Show thyself!

Gotta run -- I hear a Muzak version of Copa Cabana playing, and I just can't resist that song.

Merry Christmas everyone!